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Ed Never Loses - Well, Sort Of

Our solo, small town litigator has a pro bono client this week - Ed himself. Delving into the everyday world of consumer protection law, Ed Stevens feels he's been had. Darn tootin' he has. Have you ever waited around your house or apartment for a promised delivery that never showed? Ever wasted considerable time, energy, and aggravation trying to track down that "still not here" delivery?

Ed sure has. On his own, Ed moves into the house of Molly's grandfather, but needs to replace the ancient icebox with a modern refrigerator. He buys one from the local shop appliance store, Tucker's Appliances, and stays home all day Saturday and calls the store every hour, only to hear empty promises that it will be delivered.

The refrigerator never shows. Ed pays a visit to Tucker's Appliance for a heart-to-heart with the manager. I'm sure you've got a store like Tucker's where you live. The employees appear too busy to actually help customers, and nobody takes responsibility when things go wrong. Just the kind of place to make Ed hopping mad.

But Ed doesn't get mad, he gets even. Working with his marketing man Phil, Ed decides to play a practical joke on Tucker's and the store's customers. Flyers are sent out all over town telling people that if they place and keep a hand (all day) on the appliance of their choice at Tucker's, they'll get to take it home. This ex-New York lawyer is selling his Stuckeyville, Ohio neighbors the Brooklyn Bridge.

The town buys the idea hook, line, and sinker, and the store manager gets so angry that Ed has turned the tables on the store that he sues Ed for the "estimated value" of lost profits, approximately $4,600.

Predictably, the Tucker Appliances v. Ed Stevens trial is a bit unlike the real world. Nobody ever testifies for the store to show how he or she arrived at the $4,600 figure. Unlike pro se Ed, the store's lawyer can't "testify" to the facts of his client's case, and his client never does. When the judge warns our hero that "he who represents himself has a fool for a client," Ed delivers one of the best comedic soliloquies by a lawyer in recent memory: "I tried my best to convince me to not represent myself, but I simply refused to listen to me!" Ever had a client come for a consult after doing an Ed-like pro se trial? Trust your gut - you probably don't ever want this client.

At trial, Ed concedes that he posted flyers around town "not knowing, but hoping" that he'd disrupt business at Tucker's Appliances. Lucky for him, he's before a judge who's been in somewhat similar circumstances before, having once spent "three hot summer days waiting for an air conditioner" in his underwear.

The appliance store's claim is thrown out of court, given the amount of time Ed spent contending with the store's delivery of false promises, but no refrigerator. ("Time is priceless" Ed reminds the court.) The decision is intended to make the parties stop their feuding, and move on. But first, the Court orders Ed to write a 100 word letter of apology to every customer who went to Tucker's Appliances and placed their hand on an appliance with the expectation of taking it home. Aside from the fact that neither the court nor the parties in the case actually know who any of these people are, it is pretty farfetched and unlikely that a court would order the prevailing party to send an apology to third persons not party to the lawsuit.

A customer at Tucker's who read Ed's flyer and waited at the store with their hand on an appliance all day could probably make out a good case against our hero, Ed. There was the offer (the promised of the appliance if one placed their hand on it all day), the acceptance (the customers who came to put their hand on an appliance after reading Ed's flyer), and the consideration (the customers gave up the time they could have spent doing other things, because of what they read in Ed's flyer). However, Ed can always deny the validity of the offer by proving that he did not have the requisite intent to enter into a binding contract.

No Love Lost For Carol

This week's crisis of the heart involves Carol and her old high school boyfriend, Troy McCallum (ex- Melrose Place biker-handyman Grant Show). A decade earlier, he dumped Carol after telling her they had "outgrown" each other. Carol appears mad, confused, and still eager to find out what happened to her ex. It turns out that although he's now married, has two kids, an SUV, and has a job selling pharmaceuticals, the guy never grew up. This is a guy who forced Ed to eat dog food in high school. Ed now turns the tables and gets McCallum to do the same thing. Go Ed!

Carol eventually realizes that her high school beau is now pretty pathetic. After all, his biggest epiphany of the night was the realization " that no matter what I do, I'll never be happier" than when he was in high school. Does beer really taste better in Stuckeyville?

Warren Cheswik - Ed Stevens In Training

The puppy love crush by Carol's student Warren reaches new heights this week. After a little soul-searching and guidance from Ed, the teenager tries to go out with a classmate whose poetry he's crazy about. The trouble is that she's going out with the school's current version of Troy McCallum, Stuckeyville High's quarterback. Ed plays big brother to Warren assuring him that ten years from now he'll find his girl, and that who the high school football jock of today is will mean nothing at all years from now. This is wise and sound advice from a lawyer who serves dog food appetizers to his Big Man On Campus ten years after graduation.

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