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Sexy Sidney

This week's Ally McBeal focuses on guest star Christine Lahti - playing Sidney, a sex bomb who flusters and excites every man who meets her. Even Nelle and Ling find Sidney threatening, and Ally physically drags Larry away from Sidney. (The two of them pretty much disappear for the rest of the episode.)

Sidney runs an ad agency and has consulted Fish for his firm's expertise in sexual harassment litigation. Well, she's right: That certainly is an area in which the firm has expertise. After all, almost every plotline centers on a harassment case now - often one against a woman boss, to provide a supposedly creative, but now pretty tired, "twist," as well as a supposedly trenchant, but now pretty tired, attack on the expansion of sexual harassment litigation.

Lahti describes herself as an "autocratic" boss - and her power, it soon becomes apparent, is based solely on sex appeal. Fish, for example, ends up sucking on her toe within minutes of meeting her. Cage complains, "You went down on a woman's foot." Then he gets to see the foot for himself - and he understands.

Drone to a Pheromone

This sex harassment case is a new high when it comes to lows for Ally Mcbeal. Sidney runs a firm of over a hundred men - all of them worship her, and many have slept with her. The plaintiff, a male employee who's about to marry, reacts by cutting off all contact with Sidney "because to have contact with her, is to obsess over her." Because he wouldn't even speak with his boss, he (unsurprisingly) is fired.

Cage gets the plaintiff to admit in court that it's not that he doesn't want to switch jobs, but that he doesn't want to leave Sidney - and indeed, that the plaintiff has been known to beg Sidney to "let him lick her arm."

As the case progresses, Fish and Cage begin to see Sidney's ad agency as a beehive of sorts, where she's the queen bee. Lots of work gets done, but not by the queen. "To get the best results from people," she comments on the stand, "I find it's helpful if they want to copulate."

Sidney also explains that she gives off a "pheromone - a chemical odor that stimulates men sexually." And she confesses to sleeping with "many" of her employees, but explains that men are told in their interviews that they should be prepared, if they come to her firm, to "desire her - because I know you will." The judge asks a question to clarify if the men are expected to have sex; she says no, they are simply expected to want to.

Cage is horrified by his simple physical lust for Sidney, saying he's "overcome." Fish simply sits there hilariously stupefied by his lust. (Fish just gets funnier, episode by episode; here, he nearly drools with lust.)

Discussing settlement with Sidney, Cage says he can't tell if the jury will side with her, since the plaintiff did consent to becoming obsessed with her, or with the plaintiff employee, since Sidney comes off as "predatory." Sidney, in response, tries to seduce him. Cage refuses to become "a drone," but is swept away by her argument that if "the mystery is removed," the attraction, too, will be extinguished. She literally sweeps him off his feet; he hangs in the air as she holds him up during their kiss.

A visit to Sidney's firm confirms that it is highly, highly productive. Gosh, it's a regular beehive - and if you missed that, the buzzing on the soundtrack will remind you. The whole scene could be cute, but somehow it's only annoying. The subtext of this subplot is annoying too: I guess a woman can only get power if she's a dominatrix/whore.

I'd like to see a subplot where the women of Fish & Cage demand to make partner, instead - based on their work, not their sexiness. That kind of palace coup could be just as funny, and much more telling, than these repetitive sexual harassment cases.

Ironically, it's Fish & Cage, not its clients, that has the real sex harassment problem. Consider that Nelle, a highly capable, senior lawyer, is still not partner. Rather than slinking back after she was turned down once, why didn't she leave for good - recognizing she'll never win in such a hostile environment?

But back to this week's repetitive, anti-women sex harassment trial. Another employee testifies that Sidney's advertising firm is an anti-capitalist entity where everyone tries "to please Sidney" and, indeed, "to service Sidney." The employee says he only had sex with Sidney once - after an especially successful ad campaign.

Cage then starts to worry again that, as Sidney's lawyer, he's merely "a drone," who'll be induced to perform well at trial with sex appeal, and rewarded for good performance with sex. He's so scared he screams when Sidney appears. Of course, since she's not really human - just a weird sort of dream slut - she isn't at all hurt, just inspired to be even more seductive.

Scared as Cage may be, his summation on Sidney's behalf is effective. He points out that the men at the agency all consent - the key point on Sidney's side. He also argues that a verdict against Sidney would make "Sidney herself illegal." That's hyperbole, but it does seem true that Sidney would have to radically change her personality to run her firm differently. Of course, that might be, as Martha Stewart says, a good thing.

The opposing lawyer's summation is effective, too - it points out if Sidney were a man, what she does would definitely be illegal.

Afterwards, while the jury is in recess, Sidney privately explains to Cage that she's addicted to power and control. Then she tries to seduce him again. Looking terrified, he claims that he "can be ravenous." In the end, though, he resists again. He says he "locates his power" in "resisting my lust." His neurosis forms a strong counterpoint to Fish's willing submission.

In the end, the jury (through the male foreman) finds "in favor of Sidney" - though women jurors look a bit pissed off. Later, at the firm bar, even Jackson (still with Ling) is entranced by Sidney.

Cage worries that all men will be "in trouble" if more women "find out this queen bee thing." Buzzing sounds ensue, as Sidney is surrounded by men on the dance floor. In the end, this subplot was more offensive than entertaining.

It's a condescending, unrealistic fantasy to think women can really achieve corporate power through sexuality alone - and never have it backfire on them, or hurt other women, in the process. Perhaps Sidney's greatest sin is simply this: She refuses to hire other women. Yet this is never mentioned.

Gospel That!

The show's other subplot involves a reverend whose ex-girlfriend, Lisa (singer Jennifer Holliday), and current girlfriend, Buttons, are having singing wars in the choir.

The reverend is seeking legal counsel, he explains, because he's afraid to fire the ex because she might sue him for (what else?) sexual harassment. Sounds to me like a thin legal pretext for the show to feature yet more singing - a feature on Ally McBeal that is already out of control.

Nelle and Jackson, representing the reverend, show up at church to check out this musical war of the words out for themselves. It's an African-American church with a gospel choir - but with a twist, since the sour ex sings not a gospel song, but rather the Beatles' "Run for Your Life." Lisa has clearly chosen this song to target the reverend's current squeeze, who, in turn, abandons her spot in the choir to sing the words solo right back at Lisa. While the singing is good as far as it goes, this painful one-joke scene seems to go on forever.

Jackson, counting on his trademark "smoothness," asks to just "get the girls together in a room." Nelle is dubious - and sarcastic - but Jackson convinces the reverend that this just might work.

In fact, the meeting's a disaster. The ex, Lisa, brings not a lawyer, but an "emotional representative" along. The "representative" argues that Lisa is in a "hostile environment" at her workplace, the church, and claims that "sexual harassment law is an expanding thing - it changes and grows every day." Jackson makes little headway; the "representative" only criticizes Jackson as a "pretty boy," and she and Lisa stomp out.

Nelle does much better with the jealous, heartbroken Lisa, one on one. Since she isn't represented by an attorney, Nelle takes the opportunity to talk to her alone - something she couldn't do if Lisa were represented by a lawyer. (As the show correctly points out, that would constitute improper "ex parte" contact.) No wonder Nelle is more effective than Jackson; he's a gorgeous guy who's taken is probably the last person Lisa wants to talk to now - whereas another woman can understand a bit (though Nelle seems more likely to be the jilter than the jiltee).

Nelle reaches a bargain, allowing Lisa to "sing her pain," but asking her to "tone it down a little." Then Nelle approaches the reverend, claiming that a court might find a supervisor that has dated one employee, broken up with her, and is now dating another employee, responsible (for sexual harassment purposes) for creating a hostile work environment.

Worried for the reverend, and scared by the sexual harassment law bogeyman the show is so fond of invoking, Buttons says that if Lisa doesn't sing at her, she won't sing back. In church, Lisa decides to keep her bargain to Nelle, but barely. Instead of attacking Buttons with her singing, she sings about her pain from the reverend's breaking up with her: "I feel so blue. . . . Wish I didn't love you so." At least it's less confrontational than "I'd rather see you dead, little girl."

Lisa ends up walking out, overcome by emotion. Nelle tracks her down - and finds not only Lisa, but her obnoxious "emotional representative." Nelle says the song put "a little too much pain" on show; that's not appropriate "in the workplace," she explains.

Then, in Ally Mcbeal's most explicit attack of sex harassment law yet, Nelle (of course the attack has to come from a woman's mouth!) explains that Lisa wouldn't want to impose a law that forbade the reverend from dating someone in his choir, since such a law would assume Lisa was "weak."

Nelle subsequently tells the reverend the government has "taken over" workplace relations between the sexes, and a court might really hold that he couldn't date someone else in his choir after breaking up with Lisa. Oh, please! The risk of such a holding, if there is one, is tiny. Nelle shouldn't be misinforming her own client.

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In the end, a settlement seems to have been worked out, but the show's continuing attack on sex harassment law shows no sign of ending. It's dull to hear all this legal haranguing, all to the same effect. Pretty much everyone on the show speaks with one voice this episode: Cage, Nelle, and even the "emotional representative" agree that sexual harassment law is bad, and is growing faster than a raptor in Jurassic Park.

Do you think the show's writers might agree? Consider that the lone opposing voice is the funny-looking, diminutive (and losing) lawyer for the ridiculous fired male employee who sued Sidney.

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