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Bye-Bye, Baby

Ally McBeal turns thirty this week. So she starts worrying.

Is she worried about not being partner yet - especially when there isn't a single female partner at her firm? No such luck. Does she try to jumpstart her career? No, she "calls in old" and takes the day off. Sigh.

At home, she obsesses - checking for wrinkles, telling Renee she wants a face lift, and hearing little voices saying her "ovaries are drying up." She should be hearing a tiny voice saying her career is drying up, instead.

Baby, You're Getting Old

The ever-sensible Renee consoles Ally, reminding her that, at least, she's got a man. It doesn't seem to work, though. Ally languishes at home, hallucinating a tiny geriatric baby with a walker. Later, the geriatric baby has a cannon, for some bizarre reason.

Fish comes by, but (in typical narcissistic style) he does so only to get Ally's advice on his own problems. She suggests he try to get Ling back by buying new clothes, so Ling will suspect he's got a new girlfriend and get jealous.

Ally complains to Fish (probably the most unsympathetic, unconfidential listener in the world) that she still feels "alone," despite her friends, family, job, cute outfits, and even Larry.

Then, once Fish leaves, she has another session of mirror talk, with another appearance of the geriatric baby. "That stupid dancing baby was back," she confesses to Renee. This time, though, Ally's trying to "kill it."

It's as if the show itself is turning on its more hopeful beginnings. Once, of course, the dancing baby was what made Ally McBeal a hit. Now the show is trying to kill off what made it beloved. A little self-hatred, perhaps, on the show's part as well as Ally's?

Every Suit You Bring . . . .

Meanwhile, Larry Paul is hiring a new associate who seems - well, demanding at best, impossible at worst, but very smart, at least. Then Sting shows up. Seriously. As himself. Needing Larry's legal help. Today. Yeah, right.

A husband is alleging Sting tried to break up his marriage due to his sexually magnetic onstage conduct. The judge deems the case "ridiculous," but orders depositions to go forward anyway. (In real life, of course, this would never happen - indeed, the show is not even brave enough to come up with a cause of action the husband might plead - but by now, this show is as far away from real life as Ally is from being 20….)

The depositions are just about as ridiculous as one would predict - especially since the wife shows up for them. The husband's lawyer plays the Sting song, "We'll Be Together" and mimics Sting's dance moves for his wife. Of course, he looks absurd.

The wife, when deposed, explains that she needed to believe "that Sting loved me that night," and needed her husband to believe it too. That's why she insisted on a separation. She wanted to know that "what's there for the special people, is also there for me." Then she confronts Sting, to try to get him to admit he was "wooing her" even though she is a "short little housewife from Brighton."

Sting is asked, by the husband's lawyer, if he "wanted to be with Melissa" - the wife - "that evening, as you sang to her." He says yes, but it's "nothing I ever acted on, nor could I in the future. I imagined making love with you, Melissa."

Larry's new associate points out privately, afterwards, that Sting is just being "noble." Larry, annoyed, points out that he's missed his girlfriend's birthday to handle this case. A settlement is quickly negotiated (Sting's nobility is pretty expensive for him, but hey, he's an aristocrat; he can't help being noble.)

The couple then, to no-one's surprise, reunites. I guess a hefty settlement can do that for a marriage.

Funny(-Looking) Guy

The week's other legal case derives from a botched nose job. The plaintiff - represented by Nelle and Cage - sought to enlarge his nose because he's a female impersonator who often impersonates Barbra Streisand. Unfortunately, he's also a part-time actor, and for that role, he doesn't appreciate the over-large schnozz.

Cage argues, quite sensibly, for a free redo of the nose, but the plastic surgeon says the cartilage of the man's nose is "a little compromised," so a redo won't work.

Then Nelle - turning sweeter by the week; that Internet romance really is doing wonders - tries to get to the root of the problem with her client. We learn that he's gay (actually, with the Streisand stuff, it's more accurate to say he's a gay stereotype), and that his schnozz inspired his boyfriend to break up with him - though more because the boyfriend disliked his being a performer, than for the schnozz alone.

Cage tells the client that his nose complied with the drawings made prior to surgery, though it is a bit bigger, and advises him to settle for $40,000. (Amazing that he gets less than the couple who sued Sting). Meanwhile, Nelle tries to put some sugar on top by urging the client to forget his looks and "do what you love." After all, that's what Barbra did.

Fish, King of the Internet?

At Ally's suggestion, Fish goes shopping, but what he finds in the department store is "Cindy Margolis, Queen of the Internet." Being Fish, he tries to buy her.

At the firm bar, Elaine and Jackson perform a duet for Ally's birthday. Ling, now dating Jackson, claims not to be jealous of his flirty singing with Elaine - but still gives her trademark growl when Renee reminds her she actually should be jealous of Renee, not Elaine.

That inspires a little spat between Jackson (who unwisely starts ogling Renee, just as soon as he stops rubbing up to Elaine) and Ling.

Ally skips her own party, though, and ends up chatting with Fish again, in her office. She tells him she fears Larry "is going to leave." Fish urges her to dance, but she pulls away, saying again, "He's going to leave." (Did she finally hear that David E. Kelley fired him?)

Fish, in a rare act of courtesy, confronts Larry - when he could be licking Cindy Margolis' wattle! - and advises Larry to find Ally on her birthday, pronto.

After settling the Sting case (as described above), Larry does just that - barely catching Ally before she leaves the bar, so he can sing "Every Breath You Take" to her. She's a bit surprised when Sting takes over from him mid-song.

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She admits to Larry afterwards, "you made a slight comeback: Sting actually sang to me!" He apologizes for missing her birthday. And he tells her, "I love you, Ally McBeal."

Some daring shots of them in bed follow. But at the end, she still looks upset. In all seriousness, it's sad to see her and know the relationship has to end since Downey Jr. is fired. And it is far, far sadder to think of what will probably unfairly happen to him - he's an addict who doesn't need prison time, yet may well get it.

Time to start visiting freerobertdowneyjr.com again. Soon.

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