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Lovelorn Lawyers, Little Litigants

This week's Ally McBeal starts with a fridge-front conflict in Ally and Renee's apartment, between Larry and Jackson; Larry mocks the way Jackson struts, while Jackson struggles to stay calm and responds sarcastically.

Meanwhile, Ally is smitten by a vision of the beautiful Jackson with the water he is drinking dripping down his torso. Larry has to physically drag her away from Jackson - not an auspicious sign for Larry and Ally's relationship, that's for sure.

Little Person, Big Lawsuit

In this week's case conference, Fish foists a case on Ally that is going to trial that very day - in another example of Ally McBeal Instant Law. Opposing counsel, in a typical Ally coincidence, turns out to be Larry.

Larry represents the plaintiff - a woman suing for fraud because the defendant failed to disclose "his appearance" during the course of their six-month e-mail relationship. Ally represents the defendant - a dwarf. His height, unsurprisingly, is what he's failed to disclose, although his Joe Dirt-like haircut isn't much of a prize, either.

Ally adeptly cross-examines the plaintiff, who admits that she did not want to focus on appearance in her relationship, and therefore never exchanged pictures with the defendant. This admission, of course, makes her claim that the defendant had a duty to disclose his appearance to her even more implausible than it was to begin with. To top it off, she refers to the defendant's dwarfism, quite offensively, as making him "disabled."

Conferring with her client during a break, Ally reports that the plaintiff is willing to settle for $10,000. Amazingly, she advises him to accept it. In fact, though, the case against him should be pretty worthless. Fraud by omission is always hard to prove, and the plaintiff admitted she didn't care about looks. Had he provided a false picture, that might have been the basis for a lawsuit, but his merely keeping silent is a thin reed on which to try to hang a huge damages claim.

The defendant refuses, but not for these legal reasons. For him, it's a matter of principle. He points out, quite correctly, that he "is being sued for being a little person," on the theory "no normal-sized person could ever love me." That's about the size of it, all right.

Ally performs an effective direct examination with Douglas, the dwarf defendant, in which she "draws the sting" (as trial lawyers say) by having him admit that he didn't disclose his dwarf status because he hoped against hope that the plaintiff would love him anyway.

But Larry's cross-examination is effective, too - so effective Ally accuses him that night of being "a bully" towards the witness by "picking on someone smaller than you." Then they both accuse each other of being unable to fall in love with a midget.

"You wouldn't love me if I were one," Ally accuses, and tells Larry she won't sleep with him that night - apparently to punish him. She adds, "I suppose if I'm old and gray and wrinkled someday, you won't love me." His response: "I'll still love you; you'll still be tall." Robert Downey Jr. is at his best with light comedy like this - he delivers the laugh line "you'll still be tall" so straight, it's funny.

Back in court, Ally's summation starts out remarkably poorly - with the jury answering her rhetorical questions the wrong way. She gains some ground by the end of the summation, but Larry's summation, which comes next (although it should come first; he represents the plaintiff, after all) is devastating: "You don't get to defraud people because you're short," he misleadingly but dramatically concludes. (Of course, the issue is really whether you're defrauding people if you don't tell them you're short and they don't ask - quite different than Larry's summary, but it's not the first time a lawyer has misrepresented the legal issue to his client's benefit).

Convinced by Larry's summation, the jury smacks the defendant with $70,000 worth of damages. The defendant says, "I guess that's a message," but Ally explains, "It's just a verdict, nothing more." Ally then assures him he'll find someone; "love is like an obstacle course, and some people let the obstacles win," she explains.

Amazingly, Ally and Larry remain on good terms at the end of the trial, and Ally's client - despite the five-figure verdict against him- walks out of the courtroom happy, with his "head high" (well, not that high). Maybe he's secretly Mini-Me.

F(ling)?

Jackson and Ling are (surprise) teamed together on the week's other case, representing the defendant - but really, more so that the sexual tension can increase between them, than so that the case can be litigated.

The plaintiff is a woman who is suing an ex-boyfriend who objected to her wedding, at her wedding. Jackson immediately deposes her; at her deposition, she claims that although she and the groom did take their vows, her wedding, which was supposed to be "perfect," nonetheless was "ruined" by the "murmur" that followed the ex-boyfriend's objection.

The ex-boyfriend, also deposed, says he objected because he and the bride still love each other. He's moving when he points out that she wanted him to "just give up on the love of his life" because of propriety. Ling and Jackson start to exchange some significant looks during this moving speech.

And that leads to a moving speech on Jackson's part in Ling's office afterwards: "I'm in love with you. I broke off my engagement because of you. I came to work here in part because of you. It's you, and I can't not be out with that."

Ling replies that while she slept with him, "What I felt for you that night, I don't feel now." He responds, "I don't believe you." As viewers, we don't either.

The case settles, and the focus shifts to Ling and Jackson again. We can tell there are sparks, but Ling won't explain why. Nelle advises Ling that "fear of losing control" - as Ling feels she did in her one-night stand with Jackson - isn't a reason to avoid a guy. (Meanwhile, Nelle confesses that she too is having an Internet relationship with someone she's never met. Amazingly, he does not turn out - at least this episode - to be a dwarf.)

Later, Renee complains to Ally that Jackson is going to leave her; she can tell partially because she and Jackson only have "sport sex," without eye contact, now. The next day, Renee tells Ally Jackson dumped her because "he still loves Ling." Renee says she's "okay" and begs Ally - who wants Larry to beat up Jackson - to stay out of it. Lisa Nicole Carson, playing Renee, does an excellent job of both retaining her dignity and showing that her heart is broken. She says Jackson was too "smooth" for her anyway, but we see through that; she really liked him.

Back at the firm, Ling, looking smashing in a Pucci-style dress, runs into Fish in the co-ed bathroom. She asks him "Do you ever think about picking up where we left off?" He replies, "We didn't leave off anywhere," but admits that he misses her. As usual, with Fish, every compliment comes with a slap: He claims Ling and he are soul mates but only insofar as they are "emotional guppies" destined for "the shallow end of the pool."

Ling disagrees, though, and she seeks out some more depth from Jackson, peering into his office as he talks on the phone. Next week's episode is sure to show some sparks. Poor Renee. She was recently getting both nookie and airtime, but now it's Ling's turn.

Love or Lunch?

Meanwhile, Bernadette Peters ("Cassandra") - a woman whom Cage both romanced and represented on his little trip to L.A. - shows up in Cage's office and asks him to lunch. She wants romance but Cage explains he can't "bounce back" from his relationship with Melanie so quickly; "there should be a mourning period." Cassandra shoots back, "Life is short."

They go to lunch anyway, where Cassandra continues to urge Cage to examine whether he's really not ready for a relationship (and a long-distance one), or just thinks he isn't.

After lunch, Cage seeks Fish's counsel; Fish opines that the long distance and the fact Cassandra's older than Cage aren't a problem. Fish concludes: "She's a goddess. If you don't want her, can I take a shot?"

Fish does take his shot, but pathetically. At the firm bar, he tells Cassandra that he "understands the concept of road trip," insinuating Cassandra must just be there in Boston for sex, and he claims Cage has given him the go ahead to hit on her. She responds by slapping … Cage - who shows up at an inopportune moment. (Seemed to me like she should have slapped both of them).

Cage then shows up at Cassandra's hotel room later. He claims to her that he never gave Fish "the green light." Yet at the end of the episode, Cage still protests, "I'm just not ready."

Other Reviews  Law & Order  The Practice  West Wing  Ed

While Bernadette Peters is lovely, and a good actress, the episodes that have featured her seem to have come to little - with no relationship, and no character development for Cage, resulting. Hopefully she'll be back later, and something more interesting will happen. Otherwise, the show should seriously reconsider whether it gets any mileage out of these love-em-and-leave-em-in-two-episodes relationships. This one wasn't even played for farce, like some of Ally's dalliances, so its purpose seems obscure.

The episode ends with a montage of the lovelorn with a song moaning "I'll say goodbye to love" as the soundtrack. Renee looks stricken. Bernadette Peters overlooks the lights of L.A. Nelle gets crocked while typing on her keyboard. The sound of a point being hammered home is deafening.

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