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Psycho Nympho, Imaginary Manilow

Ally begins this week's show by asking Renee to call 911 because she (Ally) has hallucinated about Barry Manilow. The hallucinations aren't so bad, though. Actually, Barry looks great in his cameos. Indeed, like Neil Diamond's recent appearance in the movie Saving Silverman, this brief sitcom stint by Manilow threatens to make a singer who's been the object of scorn suddenly iconic, self-mocking, and cool.

The Manilow appearances seem to be connected with Ally's thwarted love for Larry (Robert Downey Jr.). She's still smitten; we learn that she's even somehow saved the entire snowman Larry left for her in her fridge. (It's okay, it's not as if she needs room for food or anything.) But he doesn't bother to visit for Valentine's Day - opting to send flowers instead - so she's left to dance alone, grasping a pillow.

It's pathetic; he's a lawyer and plane tickets from Detroit to Boston are not that expensive. He's acting as if he's moved to Australia. For the future of their relationship, this is not exactly good news.

A Roll in the Taye

Throughout the show, the Manilow hallucinations only continue - and they cause Ally to duck out of an annulment case on the eve of trial, meaning that it has to be taken over by new Fish & Cage lawyer Jackson Duper. Of course, on Ally McBeal, though, nothing is ever easy. Turns out Duper - superbabe Taye Diggs - has slept with Ling, but told her a fake name when he did so. That means she's mightily pissed off as soon as she sees his face.

Ling isn't the only one who's into Jackson, nor is she the only one whose ire he inspires; Elaine also decides to show off a remote control bra when he's around and can't stop sweating in his presence, and that makes Marc intensely jealous. Meanwhile, Ally envisions Jackson not only naked - but gradually stripped of his clothes one by one, in a sort of magic Ken doll striptease.

It only gets worse when Jackson tells Fish that he (Jackson) and Ling "got Biblical" one evening. Unfortunately, Jackson doesn't know that Fish - who brought Jackson into the firm for his skill at rainmaking, not lovemaking - is Ling's boyfriend when he makes this comment.

Fish, of course, is aggrieved, and contemplates physical violence against Jackson. The instant object of his violence, though, is Cage - who suggests Fish wouldn't even be able to beat up Ling, let alone Jackson. After Ally mediates, though (she's increasingly the sane one on the show!), Fish and Cage reconcile, and Fish is left to resent only Jackson. Expect a blow-up between them in the next few shows.

Ling, in contrast, chooses the high road - telling Jackson she's fine with his staying at the firm (but does she have ulterior motives - such as a continuing torch for Jackson? The scenes from next week's show certainly suggest it). Finally, at the end of the show, Renee confesses that she, too, has a crush on Jackson. He's got to watch out; these women may form a pack and tear him apart like wolves. No wonder he doesn't use his real name.

The Randy Reverend; The Whacked Wife

Jackson and Ling are stuck handling the annulment case together, after Ally backs out. The groom claims that he deserves an annulment because his wife was having an affair with the minister who performed their marriage - even kissing her on the mouth, with tongue, after the ceremony. Confronted with the affair, the wife apparently told her husband she was "a nymphomaniac," and that this was a disease.

This type of case appears repeatedly on Ally McBeal, but almost never in real life. And it's become so formulaic, it's almost like a Mad Lib: I want an annulment from my wife because she lied to me about her (CIRCLE ONE: Nymphomania, lesbianism, fake breasts that are against my religious principles). All these are from actual past episodes, and the annulment cases we can expect to see in the future are likely going to be variations on the same tired theme. Perhaps it will be the wives who are aggrieved, and we'll get to play Mad Libs again: I want an annulment from my husband because he lied to me about his (CIRCLE ONE: Really being a woman, homosexuality, fake penis that is against my religious principles and a real downer besides). Yawn. The show would be much improved if this type of case were banned from it forever.

When the Reverend testifies, he confesses that the wife exposed her breast to him to seduce him, and suggests he couldn't help himself. Jackson complains "This is whacked" and mocks the reverend, sarcastically questioning him about his lack of self control; the Reverend shoots back "God made man weak." Jackson invokes the judge's wrath with his cross-examination tactics - and is admonished several times from the bench - but he makes his point (and Jackson, unlike some of the show's characters, makes a very plausible lawyer.)

The wife then testifies that her sexual desires "overwhelm me," but that she still wants to spend the rest of her life with her husband. Again, Jackson's cross-examination is effective, yet sarcastic - he suggests that the wife should have revealed her nymphomania (106 infidelities in 3 years), and that she doesn't really want to stay married. He implies that that just wants the alimony she'll gets a divorce instead of an annulment. His point makes a lot of sense; resisting the annulment is not going to convince her husband to stick with her, but it may convince him to pay through the nose to get away from her.

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The wife's attorney's summation can't compare to Jackson's; of course, that's partly since this attorney has to defend a nymphomaniac and try to somehow excuse her infidelity. The Reverend's attorney does a little better, contending that the marriage would have ended even without the Reverend's, er, ministrations.

Jackson and Ling basically win the case - against the wife, though not against the minister. And the client, though still annoyed at the minister, is at least happy not to have to pay alimony. Ling magnanimously congratulates Jackson on his success, and the stage is already set for the future dispute over Jackson. Even in this episode, we can see he's an excellent lawyer, but also a source of tremendous distraction, dissension, and disruption in the firm - for reasons that are mostly out of his control. Generally, only women on Ally McBeal have learned that their looks are an unavoidable issue - but now it seems a man is going to learn the same thing.

A Manilow Marriage?

Meanwhile, continuing the Manilow theme, Cage and Melanie (played by Anne Heche) confess a mutual love of Barry Manilow. Cage also has something else to confess to Melanie - he shows her a secret room accessible from a Fish & Cage bathroom stall that he calls his "secret hideaway."

Cage compares his hideaway to her tiny apartment, and marvels about how much he and Melanie share (a need to blurt things out, an affection for small places, a love of Barry Manilow). Then, in the secret hideaway, Cage asks Melanie to marry him. She responds, though, that she doesn't believe love has anything to do with a contract - and thus doesn't believe in marriage. I was disappointed that this was the proposal that was teased by the network for this week; it would have been so much more exciting if Fish had proposed to Ling, or Larry had proposed to Ally. It also would have been much more exciting if the person proposed to had actually said yes.

To comfort Cage, Ally (the sane one again!) explains that Melanie loves Cage; it's only marriage she's scared of. We learn later in the show that Ally's right: Melanie says to Cage, "The most alone people I know are married." But Cage passionately rebuts her arguments against marriage: "We're at the beginning, and the only thing you can feel is that all things must end," he complains.

Melanie promises to "work on" getting closer to marriage, and asks Cage is they can continue their courtship. But he's still unhappy, wishing that she'd simply accepted.

At the end of the show, the whole cast dances to Barry Manilow's playing at the piano bar they frequent - and Ally, believing Manilow to be a hallucination, is shocked to find he's real. Then Ally herself starts to sing (or lip-synch?).

Manilow still looks good. He is also much more appealing now that he's agreed to make fun of himself by appearing on the show (and even appearing in a stall of the co-ed bathroom, singing on the toilet). Maybe Ally should dump Larry for him. At least Manilow actually showed up on Valentine's Day.

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