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A Salsa Suit, A Sobbing Sam

This week's episode of Ally McBeal starts with Ally dreaming that Larry - Robert Downey Jr.'s character - has left her abruptly, without even a note. It also starts with Robert Downey Jr. sleeping with a teddy bear. Now we know why it took him so long to sleep with Ally: The bear clearly comes first.

Dance Plagiarism?

In one of this week's legal cases, the national salsa dance craze finally reaches Ally McBeal. The case deals with a salsa dancer trying to copyright his dance moves.

In what appears to be an initial settlement conference, Nelle represents the dancer; he is suing another dancer, a woman who wants to use his dance moves in a national championship, for copyright infringement. The male dancer claims this will cause him to lose the championship himself, when he is forced to trot out the same moves. (Wasn't this exactly the plot of that cheerleading movie with Kirsten Dunst?)

In court, because every legal case on Ally McBeal must eventually turn sexual, it emerges that the contested dance moves come from a lovemaking session - so the male dancer is forced to assert that he is the "author" of his sex with the woman dancer. She, in response, says he's just a chauvinist, and that she's equally the author. He has the bad luck to have a woman judge, so I estimate his chances of winning as approximately zero.

The judge asks for a demonstration of the dance moves, which tortures Nelle, because it turns out that the dancer - who's quite the stud - is sleeping with Nelle now, even though she's his lawyer. The dance, unsurprisingly, is quite sexual, and it bothers Nelle to no end.

Afterwards, before the judge can issue a ruling, or Nelle can negotiate with the woman dancer's lawyer, the parties settle the case themselves - agreeing to be partners in the national dance competition. Even though this settlement is clearly best for both of them, it isn't proper; the parties shouldn't be speaking to each other directly when they are each represented by lawyers. But in a case where the lawyer is sleeping with her client (a huge no-no), this point may seem, by comparison, a mere ethical nicety.

In the end, the male dancer tries to seduce Nelle and although she's conflicted about what she should do, she finally rebuffs him when he makes clear he only wants sex, not love. Poor Nelle. All her boyfriends after Cage have either been carted off to prison, turned out to be more interested in Ally than her, or turned out to be leches interested only in sex, but not in a relationship. At this rate, she'll be asking out Hannibal Lecter next week - only to find that he prefers Clarice Starling.

Fighting Homophobia with a Homophobe

Another of this week's legal cases is initiated by Cindy, Marc's biologically male, cross-dressing ex-girlfriend. Cindy wants to get married to a man, but not to Marc. Amazingly, she approaches Fish to represent her, apparently because she thinks he'll understand the homophobic arguments against her from the inside, being a homophobe himself. Fish and Ling take the case.

When Marc and Cindy run into each other in the co-ed bathroom, Marc seems resentful of her marriage. He confronts her, angry that she came to Fish & Cage to help her with her marriage, and accuses her of coming to the firm only to make him jealous. Marc is clearly still heartbroken that he can't be the one to be with Cindy, even though he's now dating Elaine.

Fish argues, pretty effectively, that a ban against gay marriage is "bigotry - blatant. A government trying to impose its own sense of morality." Marc stands up after Fish argues and intervenes, testifying that having dated Cindy, he believes she's a "beautiful woman" who shouldn't be judged on her biological gender any more than someone should be judged on the color of their skin. It's pretty weird that the judge allows this, since Marc hasn't been called as a witness, but I've long stopped expecting realism from this show. It's also pretty weird that Cindy is grateful for Marc's interference.

In the end, the court agrees that the law against same-sex marriages (I think he means the federal Defense of Marriage Act) is "stupid," but notes that he cannot "substitute my judgment for legislative intent." Depressingly, this probably is what a real court - even with a liberal judge - would say.

Although the couple has lost their case, Fish still offers to perform a quasi-marriage of the two at Fish & Cage. Oddly, it's attended by the whole firm - and, apparently, by few others. (Don't the bride and groom have families and friends?) Fish manages to make it through without even a homophobic comment, and even manages to kiss Cindy since she's "the bride" - even though he still views her as a man.

Fish's reversal is so complete, in fact, that it totally lacks plausibility; it's hard to believe that a man who used to greatly enjoy saying homophobic things to Cindy and Marc, and who used to look disgusted at the though of Marc smooching Cindy, now is completely fine with a gay marriage and willing to kiss Cindy himself.

I See Divorced People

Meanwhile, Larry's son, Sam, appears at Ally's desk, asking to sue his parents for "emotional distress" because "they split up." Kids can be emotionally damaged for life when their parents break up, Sam argues.

Ally calls in Larry. Sam claims to have bought his own plane ticket from Detroit to Boston on the Internet, and to have gotten his own cab by himself to Ally's office. (Even though he looks to be only ten years old). Sam also tells a heartbreaking (but rehearsed-sounding) story of how much his mother cries and how much he cries. It made me think his mother had put him up to this, but the show seems to suggest that Sam did all this on his own.

Sam asks Ally if her "biological clock is all ticked out," and makes clear he's fearful of her and jealous of any future children she might have. As an actor, Sam is much spookier, and much more of a mini-adult, than even Haley Joel Osment. ("I see divorced people?") His little moon face, with its under-eye circles, makes him look burnt out and hungover, rather than sad. And he's so articulate, you suspect he might be a midget instead of an actual human child. Even his guilt-inducing comments seem like some very adult manipulation.

Sam tells Ally not to play "Puff the Magic Dragon" because it's sad, and confesses that he misses his dad. Sam says his dad never talks about his feelings, and pretends nothing is wrong; Larry, of course, overhears Sam.

Larry then confides to Ally that Sam is having trouble in school - getting into fights. Ally counsels Larry to go to Detroit, even if only temporarily: "Your son is in Detroit, and he needs you." She also says she'd come with him, but he should do it alone - "at least initially." They both declare their love - but as viewers, we have to be wary that Downey Jr. will go to Detroit and never return (or, in real life, that he will go to prison and never return).

When Larry is about to leave, he and Ally have a tense moment. He says, "That dream you had? Where I left with a note? That would be exactly what I'd do. I can't handle goodbyes. I love you and I'll be back."

But together, they pack up his office and on the way to the airport, he does stop by to say goodbye.

Other Reviews  Law & Order  The Practice  West Wing  Ed

At the end of the episode, after a torturous patented Ally McBeal "soundtrack montage," Ally discovers, in front of her house, a maudlin (but well-dressed) snowman topped off with a little note from Larry. The message is that she's the one - even though Sam, for now, comes first.

Will Larry ever make it back from Detroit? It's hard to tell. But I know one thing: Just as real life telephone breakups are uncool, it will be very, very uncool if after all this buildup, Larry breaks up with Ally on the phone.

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