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Ally McBeal Meets Howard Stern

In the Ally McBeal episode broadcast this week (a rerun from an earlier season), we see the genesis both of Ally's long-lasting dislike for Nelle, and of Cage's ill-fated relationship with Nelle. We also see some early flirtation between Fish and Ling. He gropes her "wattle" (sorry, but that woman has no wattle; spare me!) and she muses to herself about whether she's attracted to him.

Everyone looks younger, cuter, and more hopeful. Cage's skin is better. Renee is actively involved in the show. Georgia has yet to become embittered. Billy is alive, and his sexism, once offensive, almost provokes nostalgia in the viewer. And Nelle boogies down when she dances with Cage, to obscure the fact that she's about a foot taller than he is, and to get him to like her. (Little does she know she'll someday dump him when he's protruding, butt-first, from an elevator shaft.) Ah, for the young, naïve early days of Ally McBeal!

What a Wick!

This week's first legal case involves Harold Wick (rhymes with . . .), a Howard-Stern-like radio personality who is being sued by Ling, who is represented by Fish & Cage. Ling argues that Wick, by broadcasting his sexually charged show, contributed to sexual harassment at a steel plant she owns.

Elaine tries to bond with Wick when he arrives at the firm for his deposition because, she says, he promotes the cause of "cheap" women like her. It's sad how often Elaine is forced to proclaim her own "sluttiness" on the show - and that's one aspect of Ally McBeal that's been consistently present, from the early episodes to current ones. Rather than conveying a feminist critique of sex stereotypes of men and women (he's a stud, but she's a slut), it only makes Elaine look pathetic.

Wick is deposed by Nelle - and manages to be pretty vile in his deposition, making graphic comments to Nelle, Ling, and Ally, whom he calls a "spinner." (I expect viewers will be running to the Internet to look that one up; I have to confess I had no idea what it meant.)

Of course, a good lawyer, hearing these comments, would be insisting that the court reporter put them on the record, in anticipation of using them later, either as substantive evidence in the case or, at a minimum, to "dirty up" Wick later, by referring to his behavior in front of the judge. Fish & Cage's lawyers, though, don't get strategic when they hear these comments. Instead, they simply get flustered - acting just like the little "girls" Wick believes they are.

Wick's lawyer calls the suit ridiculous, and the judge questions it too; they've definitely got a point. Nelle, however, makes a surprisingly persuasive advocate for the far-out position that Wick can be liable for his broadcasts.

Nelle compares Wick's gross remarks to "secondhand smoke" - they are speech that "causes oppression and discrimination," she stresses. She points out correctly that an employer could be sued for playing Wick's broadcast in the workplace. (It could be a "hostile environment" form of sexual harassment). Then she extends the point, arguing that Wick's comments, whether or not they were actually played in the workplace, still had an effect there. It's a clever argument, albeit one for an absurd point. Nelle's advocacy is effective (at least, the judge doesn't immediately boot the case out of court) - and Ally recognizes, and bemoans, that.

Later, however, the judge comes to his senses and dismisses the sexual harassment claim. The judge does allow a negligent infliction of emotional distress claim to go forward, though, which is a big victory, against difficult odds, for Ling. The judge notes that "9 out of 10 judges might dismiss this claim." (Actually, it might be 99 out of 100). But he adds, "Unfortunately, Mr. Wick, you got me," and lets the claim stand.

Ally On Television, On Television

After this victory, in a surprising move, Nelle argues for withdrawing the case against Wick - contending (correctly) that they'll lose on appeal and look like anti-First Amendment ogres if they pursue the case any further, and that they've already won the public relations war.

Hearing Nelle's proposed strategy, Ling begins by complaining ("I want money!"), but Nelle wins her over in the end. Ling announces to the press that, she is indeed dismissing the suit, supposedly because of sympathy for a supposed condition Wick is suffering from - which she heavily implies is impotence. This, of course, is another strategy by Nelle - who figures that even if Wick sues based on the implication of impotence (since he's a public figure who faces a demanding libel standard), he'll never win. She's probably right.

Though Fish congratulates Nelle on her brilliance, Ally rightly objects to Nelle's tactic of counseling Ling to lie publicly about Wick. Then Ally is invited to be a guest on Wick's show (which turns out to be broadcast both on radio and cable TV, putting Ally into an infinite regress when she is on television; if this goes on any longer, she may get really tiny and disappear). Ally agrees to appear on Wick's show - partly to steal the spotlight from Nelle, Wick's second choice for a guest, and partly to apologize to Wick for Ling's lie.

Wick's Howard Stern-like tactics (he implies office lesbianism between Ally and Nelle, and speculates on Ally's sex life) turn Ally into a blushing, giggling ninny; as Billy points out, she's hardly herself on the show. And afterwards, Ally confesses to Wick "off the record" that she feels the press conference's implication of impotence was "below the belt."

The idea that Ally would do the appearance without checking first with Nelle or Ling, the client, is, of course, ridiculous. While it was wrong for Ling to lie, it's even more wrong for Ally to make potentially damaging admissions to an adversary of one of the firms' clients. (She trusts Wick, an inflammatory talk show host, to keep her remarks quiet and "off the record"?).

Ling is rightfully outraged - and refuses to pay. Nelle confronts Ally, and Ally (lamely) defends herself by claiming she "technically" didn't reveal confidences or undermine the firm's position. She's dead wrong about that, though - and she's lucky, actually, that she is not disbarred. Good thing Wick is besotted with Ally (enough so to send her flowers, it turns out) and never uses her "off the record" comments against her.

Horse for Moi, S'il vous Plait

The episode's second legal case is another unfortunate example of whimsy that never quite turns into actual humor - a recurring problem on Ally McBeal.

The plaintiff is a man who inadvertently ordered horse at a French restaurant (not understanding the French-language menu), and then sued for negligent infliction of emotional distress. Cage is defending the restaurant. Back at the office, though, he confesses to Ally that this representation troubles him, for "we enjoy a special covenant with the horse." As special as Catherine the Great's? Not that special, I hope.

In a burst of goofiness (which still isn't quite funny), Ally and Cage sing the "Mr. Ed" song together - as Ling and Nelle look on appalled. And Cage freaks out due to pro-horse sentiment, imploring Georgia to deliver his summation. In the end, Cage relents, though he doesn't go so far as to deliver the anti-horse diatribe his client might have wanted.

The summations are perhaps the silliest ever on Ally McBeal (and still are not funny)- with arguments including (from the plaintiff's lawyer) "Decent people don't eat horse," and (from Cage) "Livestock . . . taste good. Next, they'll go after the hamburger. The hamburger will be next. And the sausage would be next. And then the chicken wing." Cage's final flourish? Putting a bottle of glue on the jury stand - apparently to convince the jury to convince the hallowed tradition of sending horses to the glue factory.

Georgia criticizes Cage's summation, but he and the restauranteur prevail in the end. Too bad for horses everywhere; they won't be able to breath a neigh of relief. Instead, they'll have to get used to being served with a side order of frites. (If this humor is making you groan, rest assured it was worse on the actual show).

Next week, a new episode features what unfortunately looks like the break-up of Ally's relationship with Larry, Robert Downey Jr.'s character. Too bad - they could have done it much quicker, and with a lot less pain, had they only spent a few days on "Temptation Island."

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The summations are perhaps the silliest ever on Ally McBeal (and still are not funny)- with arguments including (from the plaintiff's lawyer) "Decent people don't eat horse," and (from Cage) "Livestock . . . taste good. Next, they'll go after the hamburger. The hamburger will be next. And the sausage would be next. And then the chicken wing." Cage's final flourish? Putting a bottle of glue on the jury stand - apparently to convince the jury to convince the hallowed tradition of sending horses to the glue factory.

Georgia criticizes Cage's summation, but he and the restauranteur prevail in the end. Too bad for horses everywhere; they won't be able to breath a neigh of relief. Instead, they'll have to get used to being served with a side order of frites. (If this humor is making you groan, rest assured it was worse on the actual show).

Next week, a new episode features what unfortunately looks like the break-up of Ally's relationship with Larry, Robert Downey Jr.'s character. Too bad - they could have done it much quicker, and with a lot less pain, had they only spent a few days on "Temptation Island."

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