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The Twist Test

In the first scene of this week's Ally McBeal, Cage and Melanie (Anne Heche's character) bond over a joint love of Sinatra - so much so that she takes him home for the first time. If a chorus of "New York, New York" is heard at Fish & Cage the next morning, we'll know why.

It turns out that Melanie not only has a Murphy bed, but also an entire Murphy apartment - fitting into a very small space, with lots of fold-downs that seem more appropriate for New York City than Boston.

Then we learn that Melanie's apartment is actually a service elevator. Again, only in New York, where even a dumbwaiter would make a great studio apartment. A vacant mailbox might qualify, too. But in Boston, you'd think a schoolteacher and children's book writer like Melanie wouldn't have to live in an elevator - although two schoolteachers on Boston Public did just get turned down for a mortgage, so perhaps I'm being too optimistic.

The real focus of this week's episode, though, is a twist dance contest - and its real theme is whether looks should matter when one gets hired, a somewhat hypocritical issue for a sitcom to raise. (Gee, do you think Calista Flockhart and Lucy Liu were cast partially based on their looks? I can't decide.)

Oh No, Mr. Bo!

When Cage visits Melanie's class, he shows off his terrible voice (the kids laugh) and learns that Melanie once took her class to visit a dancing homeless man named Mr. Bojangles. (That's nothing; as you may recall, Ally dated a homeless man last season.)

"Mr. Bo" turns out to be pretty competitive with Cage for Melanie's affections. He even shows up at Fish & Cage, apparently stalking Cage - or Melanie, who also happens to be at the firm at that moment. A confrontation in the coed bathroom ensues, with Cage screaming so loud his tongue ululates.

Cage then has Mr. Bo arrested, which upsets Melanie, and aggravates her Tourrette's syndrome. On the defensive, Cage lashes out at Melanie, claiming her Tourrette's is faked for sympathy. Oops - this is what happens when conservatives date liberals.

Cage drops the charges against Mr. Bo, though, as a judge is on the verge of arraigning Mr. Bo pursuant to the anti-stalking statute. In a bizarre holding by the judge that seems as if it must depend on Cage's status as a lawyer, and hence an "officer of the court, court costs are assessed to Cage"- it's hard to believe any non-lawyer victim would be penalized for dropping charges. Indeed, a penalty for a victim's dropping charges seems vulnerable to constitutional challenge; it encourages victims to go forward with meritless prosecutions even if they've thought better of it.

Despite Cage's dropping the charges, Melanie is still angry, accusing Cage of treating Mr. Bo "like an animal." Melanie then confesses the reason she cares so much about Mr. Bo is that he's her father, and that the reason she hasn't revealed this fact to Cage before is that she's ashamed of being embarrassed about him. She also says that Mr. Bo's life shouldn't be normalized; it's his life on the street, she argues, that makes him "peaceful." Again she seems to be playing the role of the Pollyanna liberal, while Cage plays the role of the harsh conservative.

In the course of their argument, Cage points out, "The last woman I dated, her father thought he was Santa Claus" - noting the show's repetitiveness almost before it can bother the viewer. Trouble is, the repetition still did bother this viewer - and probably many others, I would guess. Too often, on Ally McBeal, what is eccentric or deranged or sad simply becomes cloyingly cute instead.

Cage then travels out to Mr. Bo's hangout. Mr. Bo wants to wrestle him, for some bizarre reason; And despite Cage's skills of persuasion, they wrestle. Again, this scene is played out as being cute, when in real life it would not be cute at all: a man gets assaulted by a homeless man in a deserted area, while the homeless man's friends cheer him on.

In the end, though, continuing the relentless cuteness, Mr. Bo assesses that since Cage is short but "wiry," he's allowed to date Melanie. Nevertheless, Mr. Bo still nicknames Cage "The Toad," and asks Melanie to give up the "Mr. Bo" nickname for "Dad" - and stop being ashamed of him. Finally "Dad" pronounces "The Toad" okay. Awww.

Clearly, this show is not going to do an episode that truly addresses homelessness anytime soon; these homeless folks enjoy their dangerous street lives and grill salmon for dinner despite their poverty. Only in TV-land.

Only Babes Need Apply

In this week's case, a public relations firm is being sued by a receptionist who was fired for being too fat. Explaining that "the client wants a woman," Fish dumps the terrible case on Ally. And so Ally must represent the P.R. firm to the best of her ability, even though it admits that the plaintiff's main allegation - that she was fired for being overweight and therefore "not attractive enough for the job" - was entirely true.

Ally flirts with refusing the case because "I don't believe people can be judged based on a first impression," but Fish - reminding her that she's just an associate - forces her to go forward. In a real law firm, of course, no associate would refuse this case; morally principled stands are generally reserved for tobacco litigation, not cases about whether someone was not pretty enough to work in P.R.

The plaintiff's testimony is pretty bad for Ally's client. Only slightly overweight and very presentable, the plaintiff relates her boss' catty comments about "retaining water" and a bad haircut, as well as the reason given for her firing: "I wasn't pretty enough."

On cross-examination, Ally flounders - and the plaintiff accuses her of having a large butt. This is perhaps the most ridiculous allegation on a sitcom this year. The show seems to flirt, in this episode, with the Calista Flockhart anorexia rumors, but it never really engages them. Instead, it simply pretends Ally's body is different from what it is. Unfortunately, all of Calista's body fat put together would not amount to even a medium sized butt - let alone, say, an excellent butt like that of Jennifer Lopez.

Meanwhile, Larry - played by Robert Downey Jr., who just received a Golden Globe for this role - suggests to Ally that it's not so bad to hire someone based on appearances, and points out to Ally that Fish & Cage itself is reputed to hire "babes": "You, Ling, Nelle, Georgia," Larry lists. "It's like being a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader." (How mean to leave out Elaine! I guess she wasn't thin enough . . .)

When the trial resumes, Ally's client testifies "Put a beautiful woman in the room and men are happy." Women are too, the client claims, since they can scope the pretty woman's pretty clothes. "It helps for my receptionists to look like models," the smug client asserts.

The opposing lawyer effectively cross-examines her. Most crushingly, at the end of his examination, when Ally's self-satisfied client asks rhetorically, "I suppose I'm the first person on earth to think looks count?" the lawyer answers, "No. There are plenty more where you came from."

Back at the office, Ally sees sexist references in Fish & Cage's firm resume, which is reluctantly provided to her by Fish, who admits that he did give Ally a job based on looks although "you're smart; you wouldn't be here if you weren't." Fish also accuses Ally of "trading on your looks every day" - that's why she wears makeup, he argues. Ally is troubled - but not that troubled. After all, she doesn't quit. Nor does she even reflect that the firm's sexist attitude toward women may be the reason none of them have made partner so far. (Indeed, recall that Nelle was harshly shot down by Fish when she tried; he's evolving from a funny curmudgeon to an outright villain with his sexist behavior).

When Ally returns to the trial, she watches the plaintiff's lawyer argue in his summation that even if products should be judged by appearance, people should not - they should be judged based on talent or character. Afterwards Ally, in her summation, pleads for the jury to acknowledge that superficiality is just the way the world works. "I just found out that I just got my job based on my appearance," she confesses. She says she's not proud of it, but it's "the reality." Her client needs a pretty receptionist to sell her product - just as her firm needs a pretty lawyer to deliver its summations, it seems. Ick. Not only is this summation repellent, it's also ineffective and (as usual with Ally) narcissistic.

Amazingly, the jury buys this argument and votes for the defendant. To me, that seemed hard to believe, given the exceeding smugness of the public relations firm head and the sympathetic nature of the plaintiff's plight - not to mention Ally's weak summation. I would have thought the jury would have disliked the head of the P.R. firm too much to deliver a verdict for her.

After the trial, Ally still tries to assume the moral high ground. "I didn't invent the ways things work," the client remarks. "No, but you perpetuate it," Ally shoots back. Well, Ally perpetuates it, too, by representing a looks-ist client, and staying at a looks-ist firm.

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Meanwhile, Chubby Checker is to preside over a twist contest, and Ally and Ling start getting catty over who can twist the best, while Elaine secretly plots to win the contest herself. When Nelle uses a professional instructor, Elaine complains. Without a college degree or a law degree, Elaine explains to Ally, she'd like to at least excel in dance. Ally then confides her own insecurity - that she was hired not on her law degree, but on her looks. Again, though, this seems less a serious issue for Ally than a momentary qualm, a tiny complaint.

At the actual twist contest, it's hard to decide what's sillier - the 50's style outfits (Marc looks particularly silly in his letter sweater, and a head scarf may be the only fashion that does not suit Lucy Liu), the dwelling on the women shaking their butts, or the little tete-a-tete between Chubby Checker and Elaine.

Though Elaine scores the trophy, Larry tries to convince her not to display it - so people don't think "That's all you are" - but to stow it in a drawer. Instead, the show ends with her hugging the trophy. Figures; Elaine's not really one to hide her assets, even if others think it's tacky to let them all hang out. More power to her.

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