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John Cage starts off this week's show, the first of the New Year, by complaining that he's likely to be "alone all my life" - even though he was still dating Kimmie as of the firm's Christmas party a few weeks ago, and ends up dating someone else by the end of this episode.

It seems that loneliness comes on fast, and is alleviated even faster, on Ally McBeal. It seems fitting, then, that Anne Heche is this week's guest star.

Tourette's For Two

In this week's legal case, a lawyer from another firm named Nicholas implores Cage to second chair his trial. Cage's help is needed because it's a particularly difficult case, since Nicholas' client, Melanie "ran over her lover with an SUV and then backed up over him."

Not only that, but she has Tourette's syndrome. And she has confessed. And she is played by Anne Heche. Perhaps it's not just a difficult case, but also a hopeless one.

Cage suggests Melanie plead temporary insanity. She says she'd rather be thought of as a cold-blooded murderer than crazy - since everyone thinks she's crazy anyway, due to the Tourette's syndrome, and she's tired of it. (Perhaps, though, like Heche herself, Melanie should have split the difference and pleaded "sane but with sunstroke.")

Melanie also refuses to tell Cage what really happened with the murder, and demands an immediate trial. Incredibly, that's exactly what she gets - even though no real lawyer would let a client without a criminal record, who plans to testify, go to trial when the lawyer has no idea what she'll say on the stand.

Unsurprisingly, Melanie's Tourette's syndrome keeps interrupting the first part of the trial, when the prosecution briefly presents its case. This, of course, is a tired trick with which Ally McBeal viewer will be all too familiar, from past shows showcasing Cage's own host of tics.

Only after the prosecution rests does Cage finally learn Heche's defense. Due to her Tourette's syndrome (or a related tic), she inadvertently put her foot on the gas and ran down the deceased. Then, thinking her SUV might still be on top of him, she backed up. She's not cold-blooded; she's clueless.

Melanie testifies to this effect, on direct examination by Ally. (This may be the only time in recorded history an associate has ever been able to examine the defendant in a murder case.) On cross-examination, Melanie's testimony is predictably hurt by her Tourette's outbursts (referring to the deceased as "Pancake!" doesn't help). But her expert witness does well on the stand, explaining how her Tourette's could have made her involuntarily hit the accelerator. On balance, Melanie seems to have put on a more persuasive case than the prosecution - which puzzlingly does not even come up with an autopsy report, let alone much of any evidence except for Melanie's own confession.

Cage's closing draws on Oliver Sacks' analogy between Tourette's and "being possessed," and urges the jury to think that they cannot truly understand Melanie's situation. Melanie desperately wanted to maintain her self-respect, Cage asserts - even if it meant signing a false confession in which she claimed that she killed her boss on purpose, rather than as a result of her illness. He also tries to convince the jury that even if the situation makes little sense to them, that alone raises a reasonable doubt. (Most juries would probably conclude, however, that an explanation that makes little sense is just a bad explanation.) The only surprisingly aspect of the closing is his failure to emphasize Melanie's lack of prior violent behavior, or of any criminal record.

Largely because of the strength of Cage's closing, Melanie is acquitted - with Ally almost immediately trying to nudge Melanie and Cage together as a couple, having observed them being affectionate before. Melanie then starts to blatantly hit on Cage - and his nose starts whistling, which indicates, I guess, that they are meant to be.

Pity the couple united only by their tendency to involuntary bodily movements. I hate to think what their sex life will be like.

Brandy, You're A Fine Girl, What A Good Wife You Would Be

In the show's second legal plot, Nicholas' elderly wife, former cocktail waitress Brandy - who is no graying hottie, despite what her name and profession might suggest - seeks Cage's help with a divorce. Cage can't represent her, but does refer her to Larry (Robert Downey Jr.) - imploring Larry to help him keep the couple together.

While well intentioned, Cage's behavior here may be unethical. The referral alone may pose a conflict of interest, because Cage is providing a referral to his client's adversary. In addition, Larry is supposed to be working to serve his client, Brandy, who at least initially does want a divorce - not to serve Cage's wishes for the couple to stay together. Nevertheless, since the referral and the collusion seem to be pretty transparent to Nicholas and Brandy, any real ethical issue is probably waived by all parties by the show's end.

Cage and Larry set up a settlement conference, at which Brandy demands that Nicholas retire because of his heart condition - and insists he should not have taken on the murder case. Nicholas confesses he's afraid of retirement, since it would make him "dead inside;" his marriage, alone, is not enough. Pity the man who only comes alive in courtroom. Again, I hate to imagine their sex life.

Later, in a conference between Larry and Brandy, Brandy confesses that what she really misses is dancing to Johnny Mathis. Larry offers to dance with Brandy himself - and when Ally catches them, she only feigns jealousy. (Funny, Ally herself was dating a man twice her age about a month ago, but I guess the allure of experience only works on women.) This may be some kind of weird foreshadowing of Ally catching Larry with his ex, Jamie, next week; we'll have to wait and see.

Larry decides to take Brandy to the courtroom and expose her to her husband's masterful lawyering, and the gambit works, but not exactly in the way Larry intended. It turns out it is Brandy, not Nicholas, who takes ill - passing out in the courtroom, and diagnosed in the hospital as having had a massive coronary. Her husband concludes "This is God telling me. I wouldn't listen to her; perhaps I should listen to Him."

Sorry, but I don't think He speaks through Ally McBeal.

In any case, Nicholas finally gives up the courtroom, leaving the closing in the murder case in Cage's capable hands. (As noted above, it's the right call; not only does it save the marriage, it results in an acquittal, too).

When Brandy awakens, she shares a Scrabble game/settlement conference with Nicholas and Larry - at which she and Nicholas reconcile, and at which we learn that even Fox won't use the word "Butthole"; it's got to be "Bumhole" instead. Congratulations, the Fox censors just gave you a triple word score!

True Love? Chemicals.

Meanwhile, dating Elaine is freaking out Marc, who's afraid to sleep with her because of her checkered sexual past. Rather than getting them both tested, Marc instead tries to address his fear of STDs by . . . dancing in the co-ed bathroom with Fish to Aretha Franklin. Whatever works, I guess.

Later, we learn that Fish cheats by using Viagra. As Fish succinctly puts it: "True love? Chemicals." He always gets the best lines, it seems, and his deadpan delivery, lately, has been perfect - and perfectly matched by Ling's similarly deadpan mien. As two utter cynics, they do seem perfectly matched.

When Elaine consults with Ally, we learn that Ally finally slept with Larry. No Viagra, apparently, was needed. Later in the show, we get to actually see Ally in bed with Larry (she wears a T-shirt; he wears no shirt; no drugs are in evidence).

No, they're not making out. Instead, she's asking him if his job will come first in his life or will she? Pretty sexy. It turns out, she's about as much fun as Brandy - and as much of a nag.

Larry says that no one starts out the goal of having work as a first priority, and together, they agree that they really don't want that to happen. Given that Larry is a solo practitioner who mostly plays Scrabble and schmoozes, and Ally appears to be languishing as an associate-for-life, it hardly seems a risk.

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