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Schizo Santa Sues School

In this week's episode, we learned that Nelle's father is a retired lawyer who's become an elderly schoolteacher - apparently to atone for all his past litigation nastiness. Perhaps this suggests that Ally McBeal is taking second place to Boston Public in David E. Kelley's sitcom family. And maybe that's because of the latter show's better ratings. Or maybe it's because teachers are just nicer than lawyers. Yes, it's true - they really are. Nevertheless, teachers aren't deciding the fate of the nation right now. But on the other hand, we might all be better off if they were.

Santa Suit; Santa Syndrome; Santa Sentimentality

Nelle's father has been fired from his teaching job, and so Nelle begs Cage to represent her father in his suit against the school that fired him. Why was he fired? Because he believes he's Santa Claus. Groan. Groan. Massive de ja vu.

Nelle claims her father's delusion is a result of "some kind of weird schizophrenia" that strikes only around Christmastime. Sadly, this weird schizophrenia also afflicts this dramedy each Christmas as well - when the show is given to terrible holiday plots that, last year, included a suit by a fat, elderly, bearded Santa who was fired in favor of a hunky, young Santa with no visible body hair.

Plainly, the show's writers can't think of anything sadder than a Santa out of work at Christmas time. But I can: A T.V. show that repeats essentially the same plot every year.

In court, Cage argues that Nelle's father's belief that he is Santa Claus isn't detrimental to the children he teaches - or, at least, that there should be a hearing as to whether it's detrimental or not. Legally, Cage's strategy makes sense, even in this ridiculous case. The Constitution protects against arbitrary discharge of state employees without a hearing, so Santa Dad has a basis for suit - assuming that he's working at a public, not a private, school.

The judge reluctantly agrees to a hearing. Yet Santa Dad disrupts the hearing by importing a train, and playing with it - which certainly hurts his case. Santa's doctor then testifies on his behalf, citing Nelle's mother's death and holiday depression as the reasons for Santa's "schizoform disorder." The doctor also testifies that the symptoms of this disorder aren't harmful to children, for they only make Santa Dad more loving and generous.

However, the doctor admits on cross-examination that Santa Dad's syndrome is worsening, and that Santa Dad sometimes believes, instead, that he is Alvin the Chipmunk - suggesting Santa Dad may be more broadly, and perhaps dangerously, delusional. (Although what's the worst he could do as Alvin - chew on a kindergartener? Hide some nuts? Warble in a falsetto?)

Cage only makes it worse when he puts Santa Dad himself on the stand - and lets him explain how he supposedly made toys in his sleep in another, magical world too sentimental for the rest of us to access. But the school's lawyer, on cross-examination, unwittingly improves Santa's case.

Thinking he's being a wise guy, the school lawyer asks Santa Dad if he (the lawyer) has children. But his strategy backfires - for Santa Dad knows he has four kids and knows their names, as well as what they want for Christmas: "They want to spend more time with their father," Santa Dad devastatingly notes. Santa Dad also tells the judge that the judge has one teenage son - who "doesn't like you." The judge looks chastened, and viewers can tell Santa Dad is right on the mark. It's sort of Ally McBeal meets The Sixth Sense: He sees not dead people, but deadbeat dads.

Nelle later confesses to Cage that her father's disorder is really about her, Nelle (an Ally-style narcissistic move if I ever heard one). Turns out that Nelle used to love Alvin and The Chipmunks; that she wept as a child when her father was absent one Christmas; and that her parents' fight over her weeping led to their separation. Unfortunately, Nelle's facial expression throughout the trial, and when she speaks to Cage, suggests not that she's troubled about her estrangement from her father, but rather that she's suffering from serious constipation and needs some Ex-Lax immediately.

Summations are predictable: Cage says there's no proven harm to kids; the school's lawyer says there's at least proof of the teacher's delusion, and thus proof of a threatened future harm to kids. Cage verges onto the ridiculous, however, when he suggests Nelle's father may really, in some way, be Santa Claus.

The judge decides Nelle's father can't be fired. A major factor, for the judge, seems to be the constant presence of a teacher's aide in the classroom - to restrain him if he decides tomorrow he's not Santa Claus but, say, Jack the Ripper instead. Given the ridiculousness of the case, it's hard to even assess whether this is a reasonable judicial decision. Let's just say it's no sillier than the show itself.

Then Nelle thanks Cage - in perhaps the first instance of her being truly nice to him since she broke up with him. It's high time to humanize her character, as David E. Kelley seems to be realizing based on last week's show (where she fell in love) and this week's show (where she attempts to get closer to her father).

Sex with an Ex?

Ally is horrified by the extravagant Christmas decorations put up by her boyfriend - or perhaps we should call him her "partner in chastity" - Larry, played by Robert Downey Jr. Their scene begins when they kiss under mistletoe. (Did she taste any cocaine, or just some eggnog?) But the kiss is interrupted by Larry's ex, Jamie, played by Famke Janssen (of X-Men).

We know Jamie, also the mother of Larry's child, is bad news when she is the one to inform Ally that Larry loves Ally. Larry, of course, would have preferred to tell Ally himself.

Renee knows it too. She advises Ally "Put that bitch back on a plane to Detroit." She also points out that Larry has a window of time - before he sleeps with Ally - when he can still sleep with his ex, Jamie, and rationalize it to himself. Ally doesn't know how right Renee is, but later in the show, she learns.

Larry decides to invite Jamie to Fish & Cage's Christmas party, leading to the most elaborate Ally McBeal hallucination yet, of Ally tossing Larry out the window. Though the special effect still doesn't match, say, the ones on Dark Angel, it's charming in a sort of comic bookish way.

Only plot necessity could explain why this usually sensitive character could do something so rude as inviting his ex on an important date with Ally. Is he going to kiss both of them on New Year's Eve? This is much worse than Kimmie inviting her mom on her dates with Cage - and that was a deal breaker. Larry should know better.

Later, Jamie arrives at Ally's office, supposedly to check that it's okay if she arrives at the Christmas party. In fact, Jamie's mission is to probe to see if Ally and Larry are planning to get married; instead, Jamie learns that they're not even sleeping together yet. Ally complains to Larry again, about Jamie's visit, but Ally decides, in the end, not to bar Jamie from the firm Christmas party. Ally also learns to her dismay that Jamie left Larry - not the other way around.

The Ex Who Stole Christmas?

Meanwhile, Marc begs Elaine to be his date to the firm Christmas party, but blanches when he finds out she's still wearing her vibrating Vi-Bra, with new holiday "bell-ringing" features. It seems increasingly weird that Marc, who complained that his last girlfriend, Cindy, had a penis, is now obsessed with Elaine's breast - he's definitely a man haunted by sex characteristics. We can only fear what may be next.

At the party, Renee and Elaine sing, as always, and Ling and Richard - for the first time - also perform. (The general consensus, though, seems to be that they suck.) And in a private moment, Jamie confesses to Larry that she wants him back, especially for the sake of their son, Sam - and admits she still loves him.

Elaine interrupts their little tete-a-tete, though, to inform Larry nastily that Ally has left the party, and to demonstrate her Vi-Bra once again. I've never seen more hostility emanate from a woman's breasts alone. Maybe Marc is right to be afraid. Very afraid.

Larry leaves the party, and finds Ally in her office. Ally says it's hard for her to be possessive, because she knows Larry and Jamie are "co-parents," but we can tell she knows something's up. Larry confesses to Ally that Jamie "wants to be a family again." And Larry tells Ally he agreed that "if there's any way we could work it out, we should work it out . . . but I didn't think there was any way, because I am so totally in love with someone else."

The fake suspense generated by the little pause that I've represented by this ellipsis could only happen on television - and is as groan-worthy as the Santa plot. Still, Ally and Larry's boasted chemistry continues to sparkle, as the actors continue to strike sparks.

Jamie makes one final appearance, but only to see Larry and Ally dancing together happily. Serves her right.

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