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The Kiss She Missed

Ally's had her third date with Larry (Robert Downey, Jr.'s character) and they still haven't kissed. And, as Renee points out, it's more traditional to sleep together on the third date, not just kiss - which casts some doubt on the couple's supposed chemistry. Still, suspense is created by Ally's smiling, glove-biting, sleeve-pulling, oh-so-cute nervousness about not having kissed Larry, and the suspense continues through all of this week's show.

Return of the Evil Kimmie

Meanwhile, Kimmie - who last week sued Ally for slander and settled with her out of court - tries to hire Ally as her lawyer. Kimmie's suing her former law firm for denying her partnership, complaining the firm only did so because she was "a prude."

It turns out that Kimmie's former firm has hired Larry as its lawyer, so Ally hesitates to take the case. But Ally makes the mistake of mentioning the possibility to Fish and Cage, who then insist on taking it on for the usual reason: Moola. They also decide Cage will first-chair the trial - a typical partner power move of taking over even business that an associate brings in.

The lawyers and parties immediately meet together, in what appears to be a settlement conference, but seems actually to be an occasion for mutual abuse. Kimmie boasts she won't let Larry "trick her this time," but she nevertheless exposes a weakness in her case: Because Kimmie's personality is alienating, it's no surprise that no one wanted to be her partner.

The Ling That Roared

Still nervous about Larry, Ally gets kissing advice from Ling - whose kiss Ally actually experienced last season, and was apparently impressed by. The interaction is cute and funny, with Lucy Liu, as Ling, demonstrating Charlie's Angels-like aplomb. Ling advises Ally confidently, "don't plunge." And, using Cage as sort of a kiss toy, Ling (who happens to be wearing only half a blouse) demonstrates how to inject an element of danger and adapt a stop-start approach, into your kissing.

Of course, in a typical coed-bathroom-as-Three's-Company moment, Fish comes upon Ling kissing Cage and explodes with jealousy - and testosterone. He complains that Ling's infidelity might make others think he's not . . . rich. Again the humor here is sharp and hits home; many professional men do, indeed, think that money makes them sexy and are annoyed to learn otherwise.

Ling points out to Fish that what women are attracted to is what they don't have, and she already has Fish. Fish seeks Nelle's advice; she suggests that he should take a page from Cage - who gained inspiration from Barry White. Fish thus adopts strange, Cage-ian mirror tactics in which he appears to be a tenth-rate Elvis. But in the end, he's reduced to pleading with Ling again: "I know I'm sexy; I have money." Ling complains to Richard that as a couple they're "tepid." But roaring like a tiger, she then promises, "We'll be hot."

Finally, after a date on the eve of Kimmie's trial, Larry does kiss Ally, but for her it's a miss - landing only on her forehead. She's quite non-plussed, and she worries, in a late-night conversation with Renee, that Larry might not be into her physically.

But later, Larry says he simply didn't want to rush things. Ally confesses that she's been obsessing over possibly having forgotten how to kiss. He suggests she's "forgotten how to love." Ick. It's sad to see Downey descend to soap opera cliché.

Virgins Rule! But Not In Law Firms

After the failed settlement conference and prior to trial, Cage encourages Kimmie to change her whole personality on the stand. But he doesn't bother to take the new personality for a test run, as any good lawyer would do. Still, Kimmie does a good job at trial on direct examination by Cage - softening her personality, and suggesting in her testimony that she believes in work and substance, whereas the partners only valued entertaining clients.

On cross-examination, Larry confronts Kimmie about a devastating series of incidents, in which she tore down mistletoe (apparently she's as anti-kiss as Ally is pro-kiss), circulated a memo criticizing secretaries' short skirts, used a "Virgins Rule" bumper sticker, protested outside performances of "The Vagina Monologues," acquired the nickname "The Perfect One," and asked the litigation department to pray together. Kimmie's answers are acceptable; she admits the incidents and tries to put a more attractive spin on them. But as she answers, she also acquires a weird facial tic that seems to indicate she's nervous and might be lying.

Ally to Lawyers: Be Nice!

In the hall outside the courtroom, Ally confronts Larry for "deliberating trying to embarrass" Kimmie. "You were mean," she says, "I didn't like it." One wonders how Ally survived three years of law school and seven years or so of practice, with this anti-meanness philosophy intact. Ally's conduct, of course, is naïve and unprofessional. But let's face it, the standard of professionalism on Ally McBeal seems to be inverted: The weirder, more offensive, and more unethical the better. And anything goes if it promises to mix sex with the law.

Cross-examining the law firm partner who seems to have been nominated to stand in for Kimmie's entire former firm, Cage is quite aggressive - sometimes to the point of being bullying. He barely lets the witness talk - a strategic mistake, since a jury always wonders what a witness who is not allowed to speak would have said.

While Cage should certainly let the witness answer his questions, at least the questions themselves are skillful. Through his questions, Cage suggests the partner has no use for a woman who won't be sexy, and gets him to concede Kimmie is, at a minimum, an excellent lawyer who made lots of money for the firm. Cage's summation emphasizes the same themes - describing Kimmie as a hardworking lawyer who has been "rejected her whole life" for her good values. He notes, sarcastically, how "ridiculous" Kimmie was for hoping she could get ahead by hard work alone.

In sharp contrast, Larry gives a low-key, serious summation in which he suggests that at some point, Kimmie might have been rejected so often, she stopped even trying to get along with people. He suggests she should ask "is it me?" and suggests "she refused to accept them. Everything could have worked out; all she had to do was let it."

Of course, in a typical Ally McBeal double entendre, we're to understand that his comments also apply to his relationship with Ally - who is also sitting at counsel table. Over the past few seasons, how much money have these lawyers cost their clients with these carefully crafted, double entendre summations about love? Someone should protest: I hired a lawyer, not a lover.

In the end, the law firm wins, and even Kimmie admits it was the right verdict. Has Fish & Cage ever faced a truly aggrieved client? It's not pretty. Usually the firm's losing clients at least get a date with a lawyer to pacify them - and this time, it's no different. Kimmie asks Cage to dinner, and as they stand next to each other with their parallel facial tics, we see the obvious compatibility.

Finally, the Kiss

After the trial, Larry calls to ask Ally out on another date. When she responds ambivalently, he shows up at her office. She's warns him she's demented, self-absorbed, vain, "beautiful - that's a good thing" (yup, she's right; she's vain), and "maybe incapable of letting myself be loved." She should really warn Larry, instead, that she's a pathological narcissist. On the brink of a serious relationship, she still can talk only about herself and tries to enlist everyone around her - her rudely awakened roommate Renee, her semi-friend Ling, and Larry himself - in talking about her, too. As a result, we learn little about Larry - who is divorced and might be pretty hesitant about a serious relationship, too.

Anyway, they do finally kiss - and there is, Thank God, chemistry - and the show may make it for another season or two after all.

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