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A Bitch From Nell

This week, Nell decides to swipe client files from Fish & Cage in order to start her own practice. Her defection is no surprise. Indeed, it's the inevitable fate of women on Ally McBeal. As Godunov followed Baryshnikov, Nell follows Georgia.

In real life, of course, going solo as a lawyer is pretty rare. Not a single one of my law school classmates, to my knowledge, has hung out his or her own shingle. Bizarrely, though, on Ally it's standard practice. Seems that the writers have a hard time envisioning women in power - and an easier time envisioning women alone.

Just like Georgia, Nell leaves in anger and bitterness, only to confront loneliness and isolation. This would-be feminist coup should hardly make feminists coo. Hitting up against the glass ceiling, Nell's only option is to build her own ice castle elsewhere.

Nellzebub

Nell's been rejected for partnership for reasons having nothing to do with her skill as a lawyer. The reason she's turned down? Fish and Cage don't want to split the partnership take - as Fish confesses to Nell, using weird pie charts.

You'd think Nell would be the heroine here. (Remember Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire desperately, charmingly recruiting clients after he was forced out?) But instead, Nell is trapped in a sitcom version of Paradise Lost - with Nell in the role of broad-winged Satan, cast out and railing at God.

Turns out Elaine is the only one who knows the passwords that would give Nell access to the client files she wants and needs if she is to both leave the firm, and "steal" Fish & Cage's clients. Realizing this, Nell manipulates Elaine into leaving with her - through the standard strategies of maligning Elaine's current employers, pretending she doesn't want to hire Elaine that much, and offering lots of cash.

Once Elaine's on board, Nell casually asks her to download the files of a whole list of clients - or at least to give Nell the password, so Nell can do so. And password in hand, Nell gets the files and starts scarfing up clients faster than potato chips. Hearing of her departure from a client, Fish freaks out, setting off the firm alarm and locking Nell out.

Eventually, the firm goes to court, seeking an injunction. Oddly, it turns out that Nell's attorney, Hope - a beautiful woman- once slept with Fish. Hope - who's much more confident than any woman I've yet seen on Ally - suggests arbitration, to which both sides agree. Since she is both confident and competent, Hope, of course, must be "the biggest man-hating lawyer in town" - according to the guys at Fish & Cage. And, by the inexorable laws of Ally McBeal, Hope also must use sexual power to manipulate men, enticing Fish with the prospect of another tryst.

In arbitration, Nell complains about Cage's spanking her in bed, and disingenuously refuses to use the uni-sex bathroom, supposedly out of fear that men will assault her there. Meanwhile, Ally conveys to Elaine that Nell has not just downloaded Fish & Cage's client files, but also deleted them - which shocks Elaine. Elaine then switches sides, switches lawyers, and becomes a surprise witness on the side of Fish & Cage at the arbitration. But her switching sides backfires a little, due to clever tactics on the part of Nell's attorney.

Sadly, in this exchange, Elaine is depicted precisely as the dumb, naïve secretary she keeps insisting she's not - bamboozled first by Nell, then by Hope, and then finally, in some respects, by Ally, because she has no idea what's going on. A veteran secretary at a real law firm would immediately intuit Nell was up to no good, and that she was being used.

As the arbitrator takes a break to prepare her decision, Fish and Cage start some serious, and seriously immature, in-fighting that eventually gets physical - as the boys threaten to become the Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum of the Massachusetts bar. And Elaine confronts Nell, noting that "I know that rich successful people like you often end up with no friends." Elaine's comment is harsh: though Nell's been devilishly manipulative, she's also desperate and seriously wronged. She's about to watch years of work go down the drain because two men (one of whom hates her for breaking up with him) are too selfish to make her partner. Again I ask: why is she the only real villain in this episode?

The arbitrator orders Nell to pay $300,000 in liquidated damages to the firm because the files were taken in bad faith. Of course, the arbitrator could have simply ordered Nell to give the files back. But her rationale for not doing so is apparently that it would be useless; since Nell has already recruited clients using the files, the damage is done. The decision, while debatable, seems relatively reasonable. (Indeed, by Ally McBeal standards, this arbitrator is a virtual Oliver Wendell Holmes).

Nell is livid about the judgment - pointing out that she'll still be working for Fish & Cage in a way, in order to pay off the damages she owes them - but Hope tries to convince her she's a winner. In the end, though, Nell's stuck drinking alone in her new office. And also stuck working for The Man.

In one of the show's perennial bar scenes, Ally finally reconciles Fish and Cage - just as Hope arrives to "finalize a few details about the settlement" with Fish. She gets Fish to sign off by seducing him into it (to be precise, by exposing her belly button and her lavender bra).

Is it possible to trade my J.D. for better lingerie? Seems that I should have been taking law school courses in Bras (Breast Regulation: From La Perla to Victoria's Secret?). Well, anything for the client, right? Sometimes, a really tacky lavender bra is simply the price of zealousness.

Ally At The Altar

Meanwhile, in romantic-subplot-land, Macy Gray is the singer on Ally's date with Cute British Guy - and Gray's sexy singing inspires some serious PDA from the couple. I have to admit, Cute British Guy is very adorable. He also bears a striking resemblance to my British friend Simon Steel - whose name, in turn, bears a striking resemblance to that of a James Bond villain.

The date with Cute British Guy triggers multiple marriage fantasies for Ally - who even imagines occupying wedding dresses as she window-shops. (Poor Billy: How soon they forget! It was only one episode ago that his ghost was still popping up in endless special guest appearances…)

Continuing the show's ongoing sexual tension, Cute British Guy makes Marc quite jealous - rather. Rilly jealous, in fact. And asking Ally out in the co-ed bathroom makes Marc quite embarrassed - especially as Cute British Guy eventually emerges from one of the stalls.

Cute British Guy propositions Ally in a different way, saying he'd "quite like to have sex tonight." Quite. Rather. Rilly. I hope he's not this polite in bed, or next season will be dull indeed.

Next week: Ally's season fin-Ally. Apparently, it's "Ally McBeal: The Musical." As long as it's law-free and Elton John did not write the music, I'll be happy to report.

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