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Say Goodbye, Ally

Unfortunately, I tuned into Ally McBeal five minutes too early this week, and was exposed to both "Titus" and previews of Fox News’s IMF/World Bank protest coverage. This led me to ponder the following question: which is worse, watching five minutes of "Titus," or being cuffed and incarcerated without food and water in a D.C. jail?

"Titus" won out. Narrowly. Since one of the police tactics used in D.C. this past weekend was to take protesters’ puppets away. Now that’s mean.

Still, I wish I were reviewing "Titus" (not to be confused with Titus Andronicus, by William Shakespeare) because then I could write a short essay on "Sitcom As Tort." But I’m stuck with Ally, which while uneven at times, has not risen to the standard necessary for punitive damages. Yet.

Early in this week’s episode, Ally hallucinates Oprah-Winfrey-doppelganger Gloria Gaynor performing "I Will Survive." Gaynor subsequently chases her through traffic. But all this disco wackiness doesn’t work. Given the death of a major character in the prior episode, it’s too soon for the show to get cutesy on us. Turns out the writers are no better at dealing with death than the characters themselves.

It Was Oprah, In the Conservatory, With A Prosthetic Leg

So this week finds Ally right back at work, despite Billy’s death - and realistically so. Accustomed to escaping into their work to avoid personal problems, many real-life lawyers would have done the same. In circumstances of crisis, legal work can be strangely comforting - especially when the details become so narcotically boring as to approach the practice of Zen. (Staple! Inhale. Collate! Exhale.).

But somehow, even Fish & Cage cannot offer the narcotic comfort of legal boredom that Ally so desperately needs. Far from it. Cage can’t console Ally because he is MIA. Then, at the daily conference, Fish introduces Marc Albert - a new hire. Fish has brought Marc into the firm (1) immediately after Billy’s death; (2) without bothering to send him around for interviews; and (3) on the theory that Ally and Ling are not competent to handle a murder defense by themselves.

And they say partners can be insensitive!

Fish’s disastrous tactlessness leads Ally, unsurprisingly, to hate the new hire. At the first meeting about the murder case, Marc manages to alienate Ling too. When Ling coaches the accused to cry on the stand, Marc accuses her of coaching the defendant to lie. (A bit unfair, I think; coaching a witness to tell her story effectively, with emotion, is a far cry from suborning perjury to me.)

The client whom Ally, Marc and Ling are defending - a second Oprah lookalike named "Nora" - is charged with killing her husband after finding him in flagrante with his lover. At trial, the first prosecution witness is the dead husband’s upper-crusty lover - who testifies that Nora discovered them making love, and began to beat her cheating husband with his own prosthetic leg.

Even in a sitcom, I found the notion of a woman killing a man in front of another woman by beating him with a prosthetic leg, to be, um, unrealistic. Next week: Murder By Toupee. And watch out for those dentures - they can be lethal when turned against their owner.

Ally cross-examines the witness briefly - and ineffectually. After she finishes, co-counsel Marc pops up and asks a question of his own. This is, of course, very bad form. And such tag team cross-ex is something most judges would probably shut down. But the judge here, weirdly, does nothing. Moreover, Ally’s cross-examination is shockingly short, but Marc’s extra bonus question doesn’t exactly add value. It’s geared to illustrate that the witness was in shock such that her perception of what happened cannot be trusted. Yet it ignores the fact that whether or not someone is belting someone else with an artificial limb is hardly a fine point that might be missed due to emotional turmoil.

The defendant then gives her own account of what happened, to support her defense of temporary insanity - intercutting the fake tears Ling has coached her over, with an aggressive account of how she beat her husband. Ling herself then bursts into tears, saying, "In my culture infidelity is worse than death." On cross-examination, Ling objects to a patently appropriate question. When the judge overrules her, she responds "Oh whatever."

Based on antics like these, Marc quite sensibly accuses Ally and Ling of running a "clown act." He’s right. As happens almost weekly on Ally McBeal, the incompetence, anxiety and emotion of the female lawyers overwhelm the effectiveness of their presentations. They are clowns - or clownesses, (or clownatrices?). Granted, John Cage can be a clown, too. But he’s also effective much of the time. I have yet to see a female lawyer give a strong argument this season.

Sum Me Up, Baby

Then the circus really begins. The witness breaks into song; the jury dances; Ally rises up crucified like Jesus Christ Superstar. It’s Andrew Lloyd Webber meets David E. Kelley.

It turns out that the song-and-dance was just a hallucination by Ally - who passes out and is taken to the hospital, exactly as happened to Billy last week. Is it something in the water perhaps? Erin Brockovich meets Ally McBeal?

Amazingly, the lawyers don’t consider asking for a continuance due to Ally’s ill health. Instead, Marc and Ally have a conversation as she lies in her sickbed - purportedly about who is going to continue the trial. Marc confesses to the "chemistry" he feels they already have.

Ally then asks him to lean over because she has a secret to tell him. (Sorry, it’s not that she "Sees Dead People"). When he leans over, she tries to punch him but it’s obviously a feint. Ally doesn’t confess it, but I strongly suspect she’ll eventually fall for Marc, despite her anger at his attempt to replace Billy.

Marc - nicknamed "The Closer" - is assigned by Fish to do the summation. Furious, since she was supposed to "first chair" the trial, Ally confronts Marc in Billy’s office, which he now occupies. She finds him having his teeth cleaned, which he says he does three times a week. He notes that "this is the way you win trials - fresh breath." Ally responds, "please don’t mistake this for chemistry."

Ally then hallucinates Billy (sans Billy Idol haircut). ("I See Dead Billys!") He asks her to get along with Marc. She replies that she’s angry at him for dying. She points out - in the show’s best line - "I can’t even wear black because you weren’t mine." Ouch. The line is plangent because, in ways, Ally was much more Billy’s wife than Georgia ever was.

Cut to Marc - preparing to give his summation by listening to "We Will Rock You," on a CD player and in his mind (which, like Ally’s and the cast of The Real World, comes with a hardwired soundtrack). In closing, the prosecutor argues that anger is not insanity - and that it does not excuse a homicide. Nice point. Marc responds that because Nora felt "great loves are immortal," her homicide actually was excused.

This is not exactly a persuasive way to establish an insanity defense. Nevertheless, when the prosecutor offers a manslaughter plea, Marc cavalierly advises Nora not to take it, while reading the newspaper - so confident is he in the power of his own closing. Ally chooses this moment to ask Marc: "What do you know about me and Billy?" This is perhaps her most extraordinary act of narcissism all season - and that’s saying something. In a murder case where her client faces going to the big house for life, Ally has decided her colleague’s summation is really all about her and her "immortal love." Marc contends that because Ally’s love "was real," she "owns it" and is entitled to cling to it. Was Marc a real estate lawyer in a prior practice? How does the Rule Against Perpetuities fit into all this?

The verdict is announced and Nora is - shock and surprise - found not guilty by reason of temporary insanity. Marc is thereby established as a fullscale Big Swinging Dick and accepted into the firm. And Ally - rather than arguing effectively herself - is left to admire the effective male litigator. In the end, she gives up the "first chair" to simply sit in the audience for his performance. It’s a shame.

Aromatherapy Montage

The episode ends with yet another Billy’s Death Montage of past Ally/Billy episodes. Most interesting about this montage is the fact that it lets the viewer contrast the flashbacks of a close-to-normal weight Calista Flockhart with the current anorexic version.

The new, lowfat Calista also appears soaking wet, for the second time this season - not from a carwash this time, but from torrential rain. Leading a male friend to comment that she may not really be that thin, because "Look at dogs when they get wet." The only problem with this theory: Calista Flockhart does not, to my knowledge, have fur.

See you next week, for more pathos and bathos.

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