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Once there was Carwash Guy. Now there is Car Crash Guy. (Turn, turn, turn. And a guy for every purpose under heaven . . . .). Car-otica, anyone?

I christen him Car Crash Guy because Ally has a fender-bender with him. Indeed, after a quick car chase, she rear-ends him on purpose because "after all, it's Valentine's Day." I have a little candy heart for you, Ally. It says, "Not A Defense."

I. Crazy Like Fox

Car Crash guy has long bangs, a handsome jaw, and a cute jacket. He's about as hip as Boston gets - meaning that his clothes don't feature nautical symbols and no Docksiders are immediately apparent. After causing the fender-bender, Ally flirts with him mercilessly. Catching on that she hit him on purpose, Car Crash Guy responds by asking Ally, quite reasonably, "Why would I want to go out with a person who rams into me?" and threatening to call the police. Ally declares that her action was justified because "I'm almost thirty. I'm single." He calls her crazy. She responds: "The best women are."

Thus the show perpetuates, in this quick exchange, two myths - the myth of the desperation of 30-plus women, and the "My girlfriend is crazy" myth. Interestingly, however, in real life, significantly-over-30 Calista Flockhart seems far from desperate in her life as a single woman - reportedly dating Ben Stiller and Jason Gedrick (who played Carwash Guy on the show) among others, even as she has had great success on sitcom, stage and screen (Midsummer Night's Dream). Yes, she is a beautiful starlet - but ordinary women's lives also show that life doesn't end, or even become intensely more desperate, after thirty.

Ms. Flockhart is also, I would argue, far from crazy - contrary to popular opinion. Even if she is borderline-anorexic, the sad fact is that, in Hollywood eating disorders are a sane and, indeed, pragmatic response for women actresses. Hollywood offers them, in effect, the same deal Weight Watchers offered Monica Lewinsky: more money for every pound they lose. Sometimes Brad Pitt is thrown in as well, as a bonus. When Mr. Pitt starts dating Camryn Manheim, then I'll start blaming the anorexia on the actresses themselves - as opposed to the Hollywood culture in which they live. The mental illness is institutional, not personal; it's Fox's, not Calista's. Again, she's a starlet so her experience is special but the point is broader: Before saying "My girlfriend is crazy," guys should ask whether it's not society that's crazy instead.

In any event, despite the fact that Ally (unlike her real-life counterpart) apparently is desperate and crazy - or perhaps because she is - Carwash Guy appears at Fish & Cage the next day to ask her out. Carwash Guy turns out to be a selfless, brilliant cancer researcher - but one with an incredibly terrible, snorting, hyena-like, drooling, interminable laugh. Ally responds by trying to prevent him from laughing all through their dinner, and deciding not to see him again.

But the next day, Car Crash Guy sends a huge bouquet and shows up at the firm to ask for a second date. There, he is ushered into the co-ed bathroom. Ally prompts him to laugh in front of Nell and Elaine (seeking a referendum on whether the laugh is intolerable), but he only chuckles charmingly - until Elaine makes a funnier joke, and the snorty, disgusting laugh erupts once again.

With her girlfriends' approval, Ally can now break up with Car Crash Guy. By way of justification, she tells him that if she were his friend, she would advise him "Never to laugh again for the rest of his life." After hearing Ally's reasoning, Car Crash Guy is quite reasonably thrilled never to see her again either - and exits laughing at her stupidity for making a decision on such a superficial ground. He then shows up, in a fake neck brace, to inform Ally that he is bringing a tort claim against her based on his supposed injuries from the car accident. They engage in an Ally McBeal-style instant settlement conference - during which she capitulates just so that she'll no longer have to hear his terrible laugh.

The set-up for this sub-plot was intriguing: What if someone with whom you would otherwise fall in love, also has one feature you simply cannot stand? But Ally's writers decided to play it for cheap laughs alone, and thus to introduce a caricature rather than a character. That's a shame. Ally's at the age where the dating milieu changes, and the show could have provided a smart comment on that. Thirty-year-old guys start to realize there are qualities they want in a girlfriend other than beauty; women start to realize that if they rule out every guy who is balding, they may have narrowed the pool to exclude their soulmate. Ally's desperate, yes, but in this episode what she's desperate for is perfection.

It's hard to empathize.

Worse, she's a character acting, well, out of character. Usually morally and emotionally perceptive, Ally doesn't even seem to realize that Car Crash Guy is probably in the right and she's probably in the wrong. She's rejecting him unequivocally after a single date, and doing so based mostly on what other people will think - she's embarrassed that other diners turn to look at him in the restaurant. She's relieved when her friends share her opinion of his horrible laugh and give her permission to break up with him. But see, e.g., George Michael, "Kissing a Fool," Faith CD (insightful exegesis of why other people's views do not justify breakup).

As viewers, we're left with a few puzzles: why, when Ally was willing to look past appearances and have coffee with - and eventually even date - someone who appeared to be mentally ill Homeless Guy, is she stopped in her tracks by a laugh? Why, when John Cage's multiple, publicly-embarrassing and potentially malpractice-causing eccentricities - including stuttering and squeaking - are endearing to Ally, is Car Crash Guy's eccentric laugh so unacceptable?

II. Once Were Pygmies

Meanwhile, speaking of characters out-of-character, we (and Fish) discover that Ling - in a rare attack of virulent niceness - frequently visits a nursing home to dance with the elderly residents. But on her visit this week, she learns that her best friend and long-time dance partner Marty is about to be evicted from the home - because other residents believe in his imaginative stories about pygmy attacks, dragons, and a "long-faced ghost."

Ling responds by deciding to represent Marty (apparently pro bono) in a suit against the nursing home, with both Fish and Cage's help. In the real world, of course, it would happen just like this: a law firm's two name partners would certainly devote themselves to an impromptu pro bono project on behalf of an associate's geriatric dance partner. Yeah, and "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire" really will result in a legal marriage.

In representing Marty, Ling begins by bringing a "motion to enjoin" - technically, a motion for a preliminary injunction - that, if successful, will prevent the nursing home from evicting Marty. Since the nursing home is private, Marty has no constitutional "due process" rights against eviction. ("State action" - meaning the government would need to be doing the evicting in some way -- would need to be shown for the Constitution to apply). However, Ling manages to find a basis to contend that the nursing home is nevertheless legally obligated to exercise "good faith" in finding that Marty is disruptive before evicting him. The argument for such an obligation apparently derives from an implied covenant of good faith and fair dealing in Marty's contract with the nursing home. Every contract is legally interpreted to contain such a covenant.

Amazingly -- because this is Ally McBeal -- this is good lawyering. Ling does just what she ought to do. The "good faith" argument is probably the best she can devise in the face of a clear-cut contract. And, for once, the show stages an immediate hearing in an instance where there really is exigent need for a quick hearing; Marty, if evicted from the home, might well suffer irreparable injury given his age and precarious mental state.

Ling examines the nursing home's owner at the hearing. She testifies Marty is disruptive and poses a threat to the other patients. Marty testifies, but - despite Ling and Cage's urging - he is unwilling to admit in front of the other residents that his pygmies and dragons aren't real; he affirms that they are.

Marty also hallucinates an attack of pygmies - which We, The Viewers (is that the beginning of the sitcom Constitution?) also get to see - compelling me to point out that the sitcom's writers have started to use hallucination as frequently and indiscriminately as some writers use hallucinogens. Guys, if you are interpolating hallucinations for multiple characters in multiple episodes, you know it's a crutch. Get help.

After Marty gives this damaging testimony and freaks out by fleeing from the imaginary pygmies, the good lawyering abruptly ends - and desperate lawyering takes its place. Like desperate dating, it's not pretty. Fish, Cage and Ling approach the judge ex parte (that is, without the other side present) to convince him not to dismiss Marty's case and find for the nursing home. Such ex parte contact is ethically improper; the lawyers never should have initiated it, and the judge should have rebuffed it. Instead, he grants them extra time without even giving the other side a chance to argue that they shouldn't have any.

Fish, Cage and Ling use their extra time to bring the judge to the nursing home to see Marty in action, playing the piano - apparently to melt his heart. This type of visit is quite unorthodox except in criminal cases, where juries do sometimes get to tour the scene. Moreover, in litigation, when one tries to be Mr. Heat Miser and melt the judge's heart, the other side generally turns into Mr. Snow Miser and objects. In short, it's surprising that the judge makes the nursing home visit, and even more surprising that the nursing home doesn't object.

Regardless of the heartwarming visit, however, the judge rules in favor of the nursing home, on the reasonable ground that the nursing home operator - and not a judge - best knows what is disruptive in their own nursing home. Since the nursing home's contractual obligation is one of "good faith" - not correctness - and the nursing home operator seems plainly sincere and can cite a basis for her actions, the judge's ruling is well-grounded.

After Marty is expelled from the home, Ling offers to take him in, since he has no family. Again, this is quite out of character. (Is Marty going to staff her escort service with crazy-sexy-cool pygmies?) Tragically for Marty, but probably luckily for the show - since a pygmy-dominated plot might have grown tiresome in future episodes - Marty hallucinates pygmies again and then runs into traffic - conveniently allowing the writers not to make him a permanent character on Ally.

Brain damage results and Marty's a goner. Ling is appointed trustee of his estate and has to decide whether to terminate life support, since there are no living relatives. The other residents of the home insist that's what he would have wanted - for his dignity. This decision whether to pull the plug, unfortunately, all happens in the last ten minutes of the show and is intercut with Car Crash Guy's snickering - giving it minimal, if any dramatic effect.

While Lucy Liu, as Ling, does a creditable acting job in the death scene, her role would have been much more interesting if she could have done this scene in character - how much more interesting to watch a well-defended, sarcastic, jaded woman come to terms with the death of someone she cares about than to watch a sweet nice, person do so. As with suddenly-superficial Ally, I wished that suddenly-sweet-as-pie Ling had been allowed to be herself on this episode.

On Next Week's Ally McBeal: Billy makes a pass at his gorgeous, young assistant. Anyone who did not see that coming must still be in the basement with their Y2K bottled-water supply, bracing for the apocalypse.

Also, Ally is jailed for undisclosed reasons. Making it the third time this season that she's been in legal trouble. After being sued by Carwash Guy's fiancee for ruining their wedding, and by Car Crash Guy for the car accident, Ally now has been transformed from civil to criminal defendant. Time to leave the profession - or consider sex-addiction therapy. Or both.

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