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1. Your law firm is sued by a former associate, who claims the firm caused her divorce. In her complaint, she alleges one purported claim for intentional infliction of emotional distress, and a second purported claim that can most charitably be described as a "creative variant" of a sexual harassment claim. The theory of this latter so-called claim is that your firm's work environment was so sexually charged, it destroyed the associate's marriage. Amazed that the associate, Georgia, has found a lawyer - and, indeed, a well known lawyer, albeit one named Tiny Tim - to represent her in this meritless suit, you:

a. Immediately file a motion to dismiss the suit, arguing (1) that the exceptionally high standard for intentional infliction of emotional distress is not met by the facts pled; and (2) that the quasi-sexual harassment claim is legally deficient because there has been no adverse employment action - but rather a divorce. Hint: Such a motion will almost certainly succeed. Make sure that, at the same time, you move to stay discovery while the motion is pending - on the grounds that your motion to dismiss is highly meritorious, and there are no pressing circumstances requiring that discovery begin now. Hint: Like your motion to dismiss, your motion to stay will almost certainly be granted.

b. Head to the courthouse with your entire law firm in tow. The hell with your other cases. Swagger into the courtroom like those cool guys at the beginning of Reservoir Dogs.

2. You chose Option B! - at least, if you're an Ally McBeal writer, you do. Now you're in court, and Georgia's lawyer wants to have an evidentiary hearing, post haste. In response, you:

a. Ask the Court to allow depositions to be taken before in-court testimony is given. Point out that your firm has not even been given time to consider retaining another firm as its counsel - a common decision in this type of case - and that even a law firm should have a right to the counsel of its choice. Point out that you haven't had time to prepare your witnesses, and that you should be given at least a day or two to do so. Hint: These arguments likely will carry considerable weight with the court.

b. On the spot, right there in court, decide, as a firm, to represent yourself. The hell with the saying that representing yourself means you have a fool for a client. It was a smart strategy for all those pro se prisoners claiming that their cellmates' cigarette smoking violates the Clean Air Act. It can work for you too! Now put all of your employees on the stand - but make sure not to discuss their testimony with them beforehand even though they have every incentive in the world to help you out with their testimony. Then when everyone who takes the stand admits all the factual allegations of Georgia's complaint - and also volunteers additional incredibly damaging information, admitting that Fish & Cage is a hotbed of partner/associate sex, of sexism, and of treating women as sex objects - continue to put them on the stand, one after another, anyway. Be sure to react with shocked horror - wincing and squirming in a way that will attract the attention of the judge - as this damaging testimony is given.

3. Again, you chose Option B! Hint: Try to pay attention to the hints in this Choose-Your-Own-Adventure story. They are meant to help you, not trick you. Another hint: It is generally a bad idea in this particular Choose-Your-Own-Adventure story to choose Option B. Try to choose Option A, instead.

Realizing that you're taking it on the chin in court, you:

a. Make a modest settlement offer so that Georgia can walk away with her pride and so can your firm. Hint: If you enjoy being able to write Esq. at the end of your name, you'll do what I say and get out your wallet. I mean it. Now.

b. Have a young associate - one Ally McBeal, to be specific - accost Georgia in the elevator outside the presence of her lawyer, despite the fact that as a represented party Georgia, according to ethics rules, can only be contacted through her lawyer. Have Ally actually stop the elevator and trap Georgia in it, thus creating a false imprisonment claim, in order to intimidate Georgia through compelled, coercive "girl talk." Have John Cage cross-examine Georgia to a soundtrack of ominous music that suggests that he is Jaws and she, a helpless bather. Have Cage mark Ally as an Exhibit during Gerogia's cross-examination - even though Ally is not an object but, at least arguably, a person, or at least a very skinny caricature thereof. Have Cage stop his cross-examination when Billy protests Cage is being too mean to Georgia. Do not bother to page through your Rules of Evidence to learn that there is no such thing as "Objection - Way too mean!"

4. Yet again, you chose Option B! Hint: You are not getting any more hints. Unless, that is, you feel that disbarment is a hint.

Summations are approaching. You decide to:

a. Take another crack at settlement, or at least discuss with Cage his summation strategy. After all, the whole firm's livelihood is at stake. Surely the summation should reflect the results of a collective decision.

b. Let Cage handle the summation himself, even if he stutters. Meanwhile, instead of preparing a summation, have the associates and partners at the firm separately look deep within themselves until they - or, sometimes, The Children They Once Were - manage to reach the following important epiphanies:

(a) my life looks awfully bad right at this moment (Billy),

(b) my hair looks awfully bad right at this moment (Billy),

(c) I am still waiting for my life to begin (Ally),

(d) whatever happens, this firm should stay fun (Cage),

(e) fun to me means a call girl once in a while, is that so wrong? (Cage),

(f) no matter what, this firm should not get too impersonal (Fish),

(g) put another way, I would like to keep giving out kneepads to female associates along with their WESTLAW mugs (Fish),

(h) they have given me rather demeaning Valentine's cleavage by making me wear a lowcut red shirt with big fake hearts (Renee),

(i) I am being virtually written out of this show (Renee),

(j) I basically have been written out of this show (Whipper, off-screen),

(k) can I join the show? The network is going to cancel mine. I too have really large breasts though not, perhaps, quite as large as Renee's (Jennifer Love Hewitt, way off-screen).

5. You chose Option B again! You idiot. Why don't you ever listen to me?

In final statements, Georgia's lawyer, Tiny Tim, basically argues that the firm of Fish & Cage is disgusting - an argument that, while correct, is frankly not very persuasive in a court of law. For his part, Cage basically argues that Georgia's divorce is her own damn fault or, at least, not the firm's fault. The judge then correctly dismisses the case, despite Fish & Cage's best efforts to commit malpractice in defending it. Thus concludes a case of deus ex machina that even Aristophanes would envy.

As a result, you:

a. Prostrate yourself and make a pact with God in which, to thank him for sparing you, you promise to retain outside counsel the next time your law firm is sued.

b. Ask Georgia to have dinner with you and tell her "We still adore you" even though a moment ago she tried to take millions of dollars of your money and only a judge's order stopped her in her tracks. Accept Ally and Georgia's explanation that Georgia's lawsuit was just a ploy for attention - motivated in part because the firm did not even give her a farewell cake when she left Fish & Cage.

Again, you chose Option B! There is no hope for you, after all. From now on, you really can choose your own adventure. As your trusty reviewer, I must regretfully resign.

Next Week on Ally: While driving, Ally rear-ends a cute guy, possibly on purpose - as the show continues to dwell on more car-related erotica than Crash. (Remember Carwash Guy? How could you forget?) Also, revealed to us will be "Ling's Secret Love" - whatever that means. Personally, I hope it has something to do with leather.

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